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Post by jager thane ozwell on Sept 1, 2009 16:15:35 GMT -5
• Silence wasn’t supposed to feel comfortable. It was a wave of noiselessness that was supposed to bring you unease. When there was no noise, it was the loudest. But now as the boy was shuffling through the hall with his feet moving slower than their normal horrendous long lope of a stride, Jager was moving in quiet, short steps to get down the hall without being noticed. The hallways were only laminated with a low light that left plenty of shadows on clear surfaces. Sure, the paint covered over the handprints and the scratch marks in the old wallpaper, but caught at the right angle; the ghostly light dropped down on the medium color painting to chip away at what was being hidden under just a thin layer of paint. Of course the halls had been secured for the night, but Jager swore he had just heard a quiet laugh breeze over his shoulder. After working for the institution for almost six months now, he was used to the rather unexplainable occurrences. He learned to keep to himself about the whole hearing voices things. After all when you were a staff in a mental institution, you didn’t want to sound like the one going crazy. He fawned over the idea of himself being switched with one of his patients; or at least one of them exchanging for just a day. He didn’t really find his job all that hard to do. You just needed to listen to them and let them speak. Sometimes, he was convinced that they weren’t here because they had a mental problem but because the people that had claimed to love them just didn’t want to deal with the outbursts anymore. Out of all the possible situations that could get on Jager’s nerves, that was the hardest for him to comprehend. He hated the idea of someone throwing their loved one’s life away just because they didn’t fit the mold of the classification of normality.
He’d watched insanity first hand. He knew what it looked like to not be in the right state of mind. Even after his father had refused help and just decided to live out in fear of forever being stuck in war, Jager understood his reasoning now. When you came back from war, you were supposed to be strong and able to handle everyday life. Hell, you just came back from the worst case scenario and now you couldn’t handle your normal day life? That didn’t make sense to a lot of people. But Jager had fought himself and forced the help upon him. Now, he was perfectly sane and actually helping others from reaching that point of insanity to where it became too much. He was happy to help others know they weren’t different, but just not what other people were used to. It was easy for him to talk to other people(he always had been very social) in cases like this. Jager wasn’t afraid of confronting problems that were at hand. As long as he could understand them and he was able to get things out, he didn’t have an issue with working to solve a horrid case of depression or schizophrenia. Speaking of such cases brought up the whole reason he was creeping down the hallway like one of the unstable held in the many rooms he was passing now. Breathing in a quiet breath, he started to read the numbers on the doors. It was almost comical how the rooms were fitted like a hotel. Each door having it’s own worn brass number cheaply plaster to the door. But Jager didn’t have a key he had to keep glancing down to or a number he had to keep repeating to himself in his head. He easily stepped to the room number he had memorized and retrieved the key he needed.
Sliding the handle to the left, he let the door open with a soft creak. The light that bled into the from the hallway showed a rather heart throbbing display. Or at least, heart throbbing to the therapist that was peaking in from his position against the framing. A smile curled over his lips as he gazed down to Jaspar’s sleeping frame. His thin body was tucked so tightly into the sheets and his face just looks so peaceful. Jager almost felt like he shouldn’t disturb the other. Almost. He stepped forward into the room and shut the door behind him to keep the darkness tightly locked in the room. Shoving the key back into his coat pocket, the tall boy fought through the darkness to make it to the edge of the bed. Silently, he cursed himself when he felt his knee knock hard against the metal framing. He took a few minutes to even his breathing and let the sharp pain he felt subside before he was leaning down toward the bed. Having his eyes finally adjusted to the darkened room, Jager blinked once, twice, then casted his chocolate eyes down to Jaspar’s thin outline. His smile softened but his heart beat only quickened to the hurried throb it had now with stained. Jager leaned down over the boy with his hands placed on either side of his body; palms pressed flat to the bed to he was holding his weight and wouldn’t drop down on the other with too much weight. Jager could feel his chest slowly press to the other’s shoulder before his mouth found the soft curve of the boy’s jaw. This wasn’t right. It wasn’t authorized for Jager to be so close to one of his patients. But there was some sort of difference. He’d dealt with cases like Jaspar’s before and didn’t have a problem with keeping his personal feeling quiet. There was just something about this boy that had him broken down and left drawing in after his every word.
Working his lips up the curve to his ear, Jager kept his voice quiet and rather deep; something Jaspar would recognize. “Jassy,” the nickname he’d given the other slipped so easily off the top of his tongue. Jager pressed another soft kiss against the boy’s temple. He breathed in his soft scent; tempted to release of sigh to show his contentment. “Jassybear, wake up. I promised I’d take you out tonight. I can’t exactly do that if you’re asleep.” The sarcasm wrapped around his voice along with his smile growing into a sort of crooked grin. It wasn’t like he didn’t know what ‘taking Jaspar out’ really meant. He’d be sneaking him out in order for them to have time alone without one of them worrying that they were going to be seen. When they were in town, it was as if they were just a normal couple (if you could call them a couple at all), just walking with their finger’s linked together and the chilly autumn air drawing them closer and closer as the night drug on. That’s what Jager wanted, or at least that’s what he wanted tonight. Thinking with the scene just filling his thoughts made that smile turn soft again. He dropped against the sheets, pulling the blankets back some for his hand to slide against that soft skin before dropping against Jaspar’s neck while his lips touched his forehead. Sure, that wasn’t right by any means. He was getting attached to his patient; someone who could very well leave when ever his family thought he’d be ‘cured’ enough for them to deal with him on their own. But something told him that it was okay even if it really wasn’t. He didn’t have a personal life. His work was his personal life. Jaspar was his personal life.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - STATUS finished. WORDS 1,283 words. COMMENTS i like this post. and i wouldn't mind jager sneaking into my room at night and kissing me awake~ CREDITS image from cobra-starship.org, cropping and text banner to lex. form to lex also. you steal, you get eaten. MUSIC lovers love liars lie - nevershoutnever! TAGS jaspar murphy.
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Post by jaspar geoffrey murphy on Sept 1, 2009 19:09:19 GMT -5
SOMETIMES, IT WAS WHEN HE WAS in a deep slumber that Jaspar found the most sanity. There were no things telling him what he should and should not do. No things demanding orders, shouting debates inside of that head of his. Sometimes, he actually preferred to sleep than acknowledge the day and the tasks that it held. It wasn't that Jaspar hated life, no, he really didn't, but he often felt that what he dealt with wasn't worth it. Sometimes, Jaspar sometimes questioned why he was here. There really wasn't anyone who wanted him, needed him all that much. When his parents had sent him here in September, it almost felt like they were just abandoning him. But they still visited every now and then. Each one taking a turn to come in once a week. It made him feel just a little better. The stuttering shy mess that he was had broken a few barriers down when they were here. He didn't feel the need to be careful, or quiet or anything like that. They had always been there for him. It was natural that he was more open with them, just a bit carefree whenever they were around. Though, that might have been because they knew who he was. What his life held. Not that it was a bad life. His was relatively good compared to others he had heard about. Both his parents were happily married. No one ever harmed him in anyway. Well, except for the few jokes involving his weight and appearance. But there were some things that were out of his control. Okay, well, he may have had a small case of bulimia that not many people were clued in on. Maybe a few have gathered the knowledge of that, but no one really said anything. The had still rushed off after every meal to the bathroom. Lately though, he hadn't been doing that too much. It was almost hard to with constant security around the building. Despite all of that, Jaspar was doing rather well since he had been admitted. And he may have had a purpose to become better. Or at least the best he could. There was that little girl he would do the world for. The now five year old was the main thing in Jaspar's life that he was truly working harder to get better for. He didn't want her to be picked on when she grew up for having a crazy father. Or for her to be embarrassed to introduce her friends to because of his state. Well, she would be embarrassed either way. 'Cause yeah, Jaspar can picture himself as that obnoxious father who tried to fit in with his kids. Honestly though, he didn't want to be a risk to her. He didn't want her to be around when an attack set into his mind and he was unable to get himself out. This place, this hospital, he did hope that it would help with that. That was the only reason he had agreed to come. For his daughter. The girl he rarely saw now, but that was out of his control. Her mother had her most of the time, and he had only had her during the weekends. Now that he was her, she had him most of the time. Occasionally, he was able to see her. That was probably for the better though. With some of the things he had seen here, it was better that she stayed away from this place. Though, he would say that his "condition" was improving. His therapist was doing a good job. Though, maybe things had gone in the wrong direction. Every touch he felt from the other caused sparks and shivers down his spine. Yeah, there was something there. Part of it had him scared. It wasn't like it was illegal or anything, well, in actually it wasn't. But he still understood the concept that they had to keep themselves a secret. Whatever it was they actually were. Whatever it was that caused his heart to race faster than it should, his mind to swirl with every touch of those lips against something on his body. They shouldn't be what they were. Jager was supposed to be helping him, making sure that his progress what working and all of that other fun stuff it was that he was supposed to do. He wasn't supposed to be seducing his patients. Okay, or him. The thought of Jager possibly being this way with someone else made him feel just a bit sick to his stomach. He didn't' want to be possessive or anything, but he just wanted Jager for himself. He wasn't sure what it was that brought this trait out for the other; this feeling was almost something new for him. Almost. Sure, all these things that went through his body, his mind, at the presence of the other. Even just at the thought of him. Maybe this was really something stronger than he once thought. But the boy always seemed to be there in his mind, always plaguing his mind. Just like now, while his head rested perfectly against that cushioned pillow under him. Even in dreamland, the boy couldn't escape him. That might have been the reason for that small smile that sat contently on his lips as his mind shut off from reality. Maybe sleeping hadn't been the best thing for him to do. Especially since he knew that there was a little promise out in the air from Jager. That one promise of taking him out, sneaking him away from the hospital even for a little bit. Yes, Jaspar was aware that it was risky, that Jager could possibly lose his job for it if it was found out. But when the other boy promised, it was hard to resist that beautiful face of his. (At the moment, it didn't seem like anything he could do would change the fact that he was fucked if something happened.) And the male had all intentions on faking sleep, but maybe the medication he had taken earlier made him a bit more tired than the thought. But he had found himself slipping of into that precious sleep he often craved. That might have been why he hadn't heard the door slip open, or the footsteps enter into his room. No, he was far off. Feeling the shift int he bed and the slight pressure against his skin caused him to start to jerk. A small groan vibrated in his throat as whatever dream he had slipping away from him and the reality hitting him slowly. As he became more aware, he felt the other kisses hit against his skin before he heard the words in his ear. The voice of it all told him that it was okay, he didn't need to freak out. Another groan worked out of his throat as his eyes slowly began to open. Through his blurred vision, he slowly formed the outline of the familiar face of his therapist. That small smile that had once been on his lips found it's way there again. " 'M up," he mumbled out through a yawn. His limbs moved a bit, stretching some as he shifted his position to sit up some. " I'm up,' he repeated, just a bit more awake than previously. His eyes tried to focus fully on the male, though, his still blurred vision caused that to shatter a bit. He moved his head a bit, briefly catching their lips together before pulling away while a shy smile on his lips. " Wh-where you t-taking me?" he asked, quietly, as his body managed to shift closer to the other's, the bare skin on his arm hitting against Jager's clothed body. And maybe he would have enjoyed just laying in bed with the boy, letting their bodies tangle together and just enjoy the night together like that. That may have been all he needed. But part of him did want to get out of here, enjoy time with Jager outside of the white, white walls they were constantly surrounded by. Though, if the other was to get fired because of this, he would never be able to forgive himself. Honestly, Jager was keeping him sane. He really was. And even if their therapy sessions didn't always go the way they were supposed, the ones that did always managed to help him in some way. Even if he did never say anything. Just the presence of the other boy was enough for him. Just like now, with the boy's body so close to his. Though, maybe now was just him stalling at actually getting a bit decent to go out. Just maybe though. TAG jager ozwell. STATUS finished. WORDS 1,457. OUTFIT add glasses to this basically.CREDIT banner edit and design: mary jane, lyrics: cobra starship. NOTES he's being lazy, and trying to stall putting pants on. js. but yeah. i love them.
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Post by jager thane ozwell on Sept 2, 2009 16:43:52 GMT -5
• The serious quality of working in a mental hospital facility could sometimes be questioned when that very housing was supposed to be haunted. There was never a day when one of the staff was complaining about some sort of paranormal activity going on during their long, stressful work day. Really, Jager just thought that some of them just wanted attention or a chance to whine about the conditions. He himself never really said anything. His work was here with his patients and that’s mainly where he kept his focus. He had few friends among the staff of the hospital but it was better that way. Especially when he was having a secret relationship with one of his very own patients. He wouldn’t exactly call it an accident. His feelings for Jaspar had developed rather heavily over the few first sessions they had together. As time progressed, those feelings became more apparent and harder to ignore. It was terrible of him to be subjecting someone that was trying to get better for regular family life to have a reason to want to stay in a mental hospital. Jager didn’t really see a lot of Jaspar’s problems. He knew about the attacks and he’d experienced them full on with the boy. But it was his job to help Jaspar find one comfortable thing in his mind that would brighten his sanity again and give himself a change to realize it was all just in his head. In his head. That’s what most of this was with plenty of the patients. Jager never looked at it that way though. He found the problem or most of the time the emotional trigger for the reasoning to the fear. In it’s own way, it was also helping him deal with still not fully being over the whole normal life thing again. Honestly, the boy was no better than any unstable patient in the whole hospital. He had his bouts of worry and times when he just had to put himself in a room alone. It wasn’t the best way to be dealing with his hardships, but at least he was dealing with it and not just shoving it aside like he would normally do.
What he had with Jaspar shouldn’t be happening. There was attraction and then there was infatuation. But above both of those there was a stronger feeling of connection that he was almost positive he wasn’t the only one feeling. Jaspar wasn’t only attractive, he was a very vibrant person once he was able to act more of himself around you. It seemed so simple. Just minus the fact that Jaspar was supposed to be Jager’s work; not his boyfriend. Of course, he’d die for just a day and a night that could be perfectly normal between them. No other eyes they had to worry about. No too-white rooms to run too when they needed a minute alone. Sometimes, a lock on the door wasn’t enough to keep all the secrets behind it. Something inside him made him want to be able to talk about this relationship with other people. But for Jaspar’s sake and for his own and his career, he had to keep to himself. Jager was also sure of the fact that Jaspar could comprehend that if he were to spill why he was disappearing at night and returning in the morning to someone else that he’d probably be assigned a new therapist and wouldn’t be seeing much more of Jager. That was something both of them didn’t want; at least he hoped so. So now, as he was lowering his body against the bed and letting his seemingly heavy eyelids fall closed, Jager took the time to enjoy just how close he was to the boy. Those warm hands closed against the skin; stroking delectably as if Jaspar was so fragile. To Jager, he was fragile. He didn’t want to take the chance of having to see Jaspar broken because of something that Jager his suggested or caused. He wasn’t here to hurt people. He was here to help them. And if this relationship was helping Jaspar (which it seemed it was) then Jager would allow it no matter how wrong he knew it was. But how could you classify such deep affection for one person wrong?
His chocolate eyes opened to lazily gaze forward at the skin below his lips. Hearing that groan caused that sweet smile plastered to his plush lips to widen. The sweet hum of Jaspar’s groan sent vibrations through his throat and straight to Jager’s lips. He adjusted the position of his body so Jaspar would have the needed room to stretch and rid himself of the sleep he had just been subdued to. The feeling of his mouth pressing against the other pair of lips; or rather those lips meeting his made Jager’s heart pound against his chest. His breathing hitched the minute the realization clicked in his mind that he was indeed kissing the younger boy. But just was quickly as it had started, it was over. Jager was left to recover from the short disconnection of thought and body once Jaspar’s mouth was away from his. Finally remembering how to breath correctly, he blinked and moved his hand down to let his fingers skim down Jaspar’s skinny thigh. He didn’t miss the way the boy’s body seemed to slide closer into his hold and really, Jager didn’t mind at all. He recalled the words that had slipped from Jaspar’s mouth and to the back of his mind. Really, when you weren’t coherent you didn’t listen when people were speaking to you. So, he recalled the question and mulled over his answer. Jager hummed a quiet noise, leaning over Jaspar and pushing their lips together with a more passionate kiss. Folding his eyes closed and his hand running back up to that pertruding hip, the older boy was much more content with the idea of just being able to lay here with Jaspar all night. But if he heard one more muttered word from those walls or felt like someone was watching him in an empty room, he was probably going to have to check himself into the hospital. Pulling his mouth back, he exhaled a sweet breath against Jaspar’s own lips. Their forehead were pressed together; keeping the space between them closed to a minimum.
Finally working enough vocalization to get words out, he finally answered Jaspar’s earlier question. “Well, I was going to take you out to get something to eat. Get you away from this hospital food cause I won’t even eat that. And then I had a nice little walk in the park planned before maybe going back to my place for a little while before I’d have to bring you back here.” His teeth fitted against his lip, biting it nervously as he absentmindedly tried to watch his finger tips trace light hearts into the soft skin of the boy’s bare side. Lifting those dark eyes, Jager conserved Jaspar’s face. He didn’t want to make the boy feel like he had to do anything he didn’t want to. After all, Jager was just looking for time he could spend with Jaspar. The park wasn’t that far away from his house anyway and he was just being considerate and thinking that just maybe Jaspar would like to sleep in a nicer bed than what he was used to. Of course, the hospital only provided the best for their patients or at least the best of what they could afford, but Jager knew that the night he did actually go home he was always glad to be able to fall back on that pillow top mattress of his and just relax for a few hours. Besides, it would be good for Jaspar as long as they were able to get back in time for when the guards started taking check of who was in there rooms and who wasn’t. Jager already had a back up plan made incase they happened to be late. The grounds did indeed lead off on some farther trails that were out of view from most of the guard views for the facility. Really, he’d taken a long time to plan all of this out. There wasn’t really a change of error unless they got caught sneaking out. But it was far past after hours. The night guard never stuck around despite his job being that he had to watch the halls. Jager couldn’t really blame him thought. He wouldn’t want to be caught alone in one of those corridors. He’d had his fair share of experiences and he wasn’t about to complain about anyone else getting freaked out.
Jager was confident that they wouldn’t have any problems. Getting out and being able to see the late hours of the city would be nice. He already had the restaurant picked out and he knew the perfect place to take Jaspar in the park to let him see the pond that was frozen over. Already dressed for the occasion, Jager was covered with tight jeans and a heavy sweatshirt. He wouldn’t let Jaspar get away with just wearing his normal attire. It was colder at night and he wasn’t about to chance the boy getting sick. He closed his eyes and leaned closer again to touch their mouths together. As expected, that divine spark shot over his body and caused his heart to transition into a faster beat against his chest. There was nothing that could top that feeling and he was sure he wasn’t about to get tired of it anytime soon. Kissing Jaspar always seemed to have that kind of affect on him. Maybe it was just because he hadn’t been intimate with anyone for almost a year now but Jaspar could handle that. It hadn’t been a problem before and it shouldn’t be now. Even if the chance was now open, he wasn’t going to take advantage of it either. He’d promised himself and wordlessly promised Jaspar that he’d make their first time extraordinary beyond the clutching hold of the hospital walls. That was if they lasted that long. In the back of his mind, he was fearing the day when Jaspar was allowed to be set loose again. He wasn’t sure how he’d handle the situation because he knew he wasn’t allowed to hold him back. Jager wasn’t that selfish enough to start bringing up reasons why Jaspar should stay. If it was time for him to go, then it was time for him to go back out into the comforts of the new world and be able to live everyday life. With or without Jager. But he was building tension inside of himself that he didn’t need to be feeling. His hand just smoothed against Jaspar’s neck before he slowly drew his mouth away. Sighing contently, he relaxed back against the bed.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - STATUS finished. WORDS 1,823 words. COMMENTS he's in luurve. justdon'ttelljasparthat. even if he should already know. CREDITS image from cobra-starship.org, cropping and text banner to lex. form to lex also. you steal, you get eaten. MUSIC act3, scene 4 - remember maine. TAGS jaspar murphy.
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Post by jaspar geoffrey murphy on Sept 4, 2009 0:03:55 GMT -5
HEARING THINGS, SEEING THINGS, WEREN'T ANYTHING new to Jaspar. They were actually quite common in his every day life. Oh, no. Sensing something else in an empty room wasn't exactly the best thing on the planet. No, in face, that was the reason he had ended up here in the first place. Those constant voices going on in his head, those people who weren't' really there, had been the cause for admission were. Well, not just them. It was more of the things that they were doing to him. Telling him lies that every little person was out to kill him, accusing that the people he loved most were out to destroy him. It drove him crazy (if you couldn't tell), but he thought he was able to hide it well. Except for that week he had locked himself in his overly cluttered room, just letting those voices get to him. That might have been the final straw before his parents finally broke down and admitted to themselves that there was something wrong with their little boy. But that had also been at a time where they were trying to pull him off his medication. In the end, Jaspar had decided that it had been a bad idea. Especially after seeing the tears fall down so many faces as his mother and him had boarded the plane from Chicago to Boston. That may have been the moment where he wished that he had helped decide on a place closer to home. He hated the fact that he has separated his parents. His mother always insisted that things were okay, that this would be over soon. Said that he was doing so, so good and he'd be able to come home soon. Now though, a few months later, he didn't want to go home. Part of him didn't at least. He had found something special here in this small town. Something that he didn't want to leave. And that thing was currently right at his side. Jager was one of those few things that Jaspar liked about this place; Jager was the only thing he didn't want to leave behind when it was time for him to go. He wasn't going to classify the feeling, didn't want to jinx it, but there was a voice inside of him telling him he wouldn't ever feel like this again. But, sometimes, it wasn't always a good thing to listen to the voices in his head. He never knew what was true or what was just a lie. There was a part of him that wanted that too be true. It was almost ridiculous the way he wanted it. Though, he wasn't sure what they were or what it was they were doing. Well, okay, he did, but there was still the things he wasn't sure what they were. This relationship he had with the older male wasn't supposed to be what it was, but he still wanted it more than anything. There was something inside of him that told him that the feeling was mutual as well. But if he were to listen to his mind, then nothing good would really happen there now would it? It was still always fighting against him, trying to make him think things that were the opposite of what he wanted. But he didn't want to ruin things with Jager because of his mind, medicated or not. Sure, the other knew well what he was going through, what processes worked inside of that mind. He could possibly understand, but he was always the one to doubt himself. Jaspar looked up at the boy, his eyes searching his face as he waited for his answer, feeling those fingers along his thigh. But instead of getting those words out, he felt those others lips on his once again. The shiver that was still going down his spine from the simple touch against his thigh retraced itself through every nerve in his system. You could almost say that he melted against the other's body with their lips together in that kiss, as he felt that hand against his hip. Maybe he was the type that believed in all of those cliche, fairy tale beliefs. That might have been what he found in Jager so far. Those annoying butterflies that appeared in his stomach just at the sight of the male; the ever so weak knees when their lips met. His heartbeat always raced when he was with him. They were calming down now. Getting better and less annoying each time. But there was still that part of him that never wanted those feelings to go away. Maybe a small whine came from his throat when the other pulled his lips away. But he wouldn't admit to it. There was no need for him to be sad about it really. The male was still right there, oh so close to him. His lips parted some once they were free, exhaling his lips along with Jager's. And the words almost slipped away from him. Almost. He caught onto them before they got away though. A smile forming over those rosy lips as he listened. And really, he couldn't miss those fingers tracing into his bare skin. If he weren't mistaken, he'd say that they were hearts. That might have made his smile only grown more. " Th-that sounds perfect," he whispered to the other, that smile still placed oh, so perfectly on his lips in the way that only occurred when he was with Jager. Maybe the male was too attached, felt too much for the older male. He may deny that to anyone who asked, but he would never deny that Jager was the best thing for him. Maybe it had all been in his head, whatever the problem he had was. Or this feeling, this attraction for his therapist. But he couldn't help it. Okay, so, he could have. But that moment the older hinted at an attraction, a feeling, whatever shyness that crept through slipped behind just a little bit. It was still there, but not as evident. But it had been a mutual thing that caused them to become what they were. Obviously. And this was definitely one of the best things in his life in a long, long time. Though, nothing would ever top the birth of his daughter. Sure, at the time it had all been hectic and heartbreaking. He had lost a relationship that was valued by him. Even if the vow of staying a virgin until married had been broken far, far too early. There was just something in that night, those three complex words slipping from both their lips and the way everything just fell into place. It wasn't expected and wasn't planned. And maybe there was still a small part of him that was in love with Karen still. She was after all his first love. And we all know that first love curse. But whatever it was that he was feeling for Jager, was erasing that all away. All the sane part of his mind was focused on was them, the way the older male's skin felt so right on his. Even if it was just small touches. Maybe he was just fallen victim of the love bug. In this case, the symptoms were severe and there was no cure for it. He didn't need a doctor to tell him any of that. Feeling those lips against his own again caused a small smile for slip onto his lips. Jaspar kissed the male back, absently pushing his body just a tad bit closer to Jager's. His hand slipped onto the other's clothed arm, squeezing just a bit before those lips were pulled away for his again. This time around, his head almost leaned forward to follow those lips, but he stopped himself. Instead, he kept his head in place, falling against the pillow underneath him. A content sigh passed though his lips as his hand ran down that arm. It was with regret that he pulled himself away, from the other. " I sh-should get dressed th-then," he managed to get out as he started to slip out of the covers. He reached over and grabbed the glasses off of nightstand, placing them onto his head. The boy really hated the things, but when you were too lazy to put your contacts back in, it was just easier. Jaspar stumbled out of the red, limbs still filled with the sleep he had just been in. His hands moved quickly though, to pull down the hem of his shirt where they head risen up. Maybe he felt just a bit more self-conscious than he should have been being his in night clothes around the other male. But he had always been that way. In the dark, the rummaged through to find the pair of jeans he had set aside earlier. After finally finding them, he quickly slipped them on. His coffee eyes looked over at his boyfriend as his fingers worked on the button of his jeans. And maybe a small blush formed over his cheeks as his mind went into no so appropriate places. Shaking his head some, those thoughts were immediately erased though. TAG jager ozwell. STATUS finished. WORDS 1,541. OUTFIT add glasses to this basically.CREDIT banner edit and design: mary jane, lyrics: cobra starship. NOTES <3.
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Post by jager thane ozwell on Sept 6, 2009 14:11:13 GMT -5
• When you were positioned at a mental facility, you were supposed to help your patients in the best way for them. The fact that Jager had also included his own wants into Jaspar’s recovery could very much jeopardize his treatment and release date. He couldn’t bring up excuses not to let the boy go forever. Being with Jaspar had been the best couple of months he’d had in a long, long time. To say he was falling in love with the boy would almost be an understatement. His feelings for his patient had grown over time and were now being allowed to expand beyond their need. Obviously the feels had been mutual. The therapist was positive that the boy would of voiced his protest if he hadn’t wanted this kind of relationship just as much as Jager did. Or maybe that was him just thinking too much for the better side of things. Jager didn’t want to have to let his professionalism slip, but he just couldn’t help it. Those feelings had been growing and they had just become too much for him to hold back. Something inside him told him that he shouldn’t let Jaspar get away. That what he was feeling now was only going to grow and expand rather than remain at just what it was. But what he did was mainly based off of what Jaspar wanted. As long as Jager was what the boy wanted, he’d have an endless supply. But if his want changed, then Jager would allow it to happen and he’d have to get over it. He hated the idea of having to let Jaspar go. Under his protection, it made him feel calm to know the boy knew who he could come to when he needed help. Of course, his relationships with his other patients were also close, but nothing could relate to the way he felt for this one in particular. But there was a very bold, heavy line between want and need. What Jaspar needed was to get healthy and educated enough on how to control his out bursts so he’d be able to go home and live with his family in a suitable living state. Jager couldn’t be positive on what he wanted, but the idea of wanting to be able to stay here longer than he medically needed just for Jager’s sake seemed pretty clear and easy to read. The question was if he could really allow that to happen.
The well fair of his patients was very important to Jager. If they weren’t happy, he usually had a down cast mood as well. It was his job to make it feel better and there was nothing better than seeing a smile brighten on someone’s face because of something he’d done. Jager loved that feeling. But right now, with those lips pressing back into his and that hand clutching at his arm, he didn’t want anything more than to just be close to Jaspar. His eyes closed a little easier and his body pressed a bit tighter before he allowed himself to sink into the kiss completely. The older boy hummed a soft but pleasured noise while he slid his leg forward to let it tangle in the long array of Jaspar’s own uncovered legs. That milky white skin was so attractive; it should be illegal. Technically, what they were doing was illegal, or at least in the many eyes of law enforcement it was. But not one other person could comprehend how much that Jager felt for the younger boy. At least he wasn’t underage or anything. Then he really would have a problem. It wasn’t like Jaspar was protesting to anything they did, either. It had all been willing in a sense and now that they were more comfortable around one another, there was no holding back. A sigh left the therapist’s lips as he watched those softer brown eyes pull back open to bring back the realization that he had in fact finally given an answer. Swallowing, he waited patiently for a response to the string of words he himself could hardly recall. A smile brightened against Jager’s plush lips when Jaspar agreed. Now all he needed to do was get Jaspar out and they would be able to start this said to be perfect night. That smile lingered on his lips; curled at the corners to slowly turn from a smile to a smirk. Good. That meant that with Jaspar under his care but the feeling of having to constantly help him with something would be gone. They were going out as a couple and that was going to make the professionalism of this whole situation stop. Tonight was there night to spend together and he wasn’t going to ruin it with having to treat Jaspar like he was still a patient.
Relationships had never been Jager’s strong point. As a teenager they had been the last thing on his mind and then when he returned from his tour of duty over seas, well then it wasn’t really on his mind either. All he needed was something to keep his focus busy and he was perfectly find with the knowing that even if he was alone, he was content. Now that he had Jaspar, he was half tempted to ask himself where the hell he’d been hiding all this time. Of course, Jager had experimented with boy’s plenty of times. Woman were fine as well, but there was just something about knowing all the curves of someone’s body because of his own was even better. He wasn’t trying to be cocky about it, but he knew his way around the bedroom just fine. That kind of closeness hadn’t been experienced with Jaspar yet, but he was sure when it came he’d get the chance to really give the other all of what he wanted, or you know, needed. Though that wasn’t of great importance, Jager couldn’t help but have to fight those thoughts that swirled in his head. He enjoyed thinking about having Jaspar all to himself; all those clothes removed; those lips pressing to every inch of skin they could reach.
That hand dropping down over his arm brought him back to what he was actually doing. And yeah, it would turn out to be kind of bad if he happened to start to get a little too excited about thinking things that were far off for there relationship. Clearing his throat innocently when he broke from the kiss again, Jager didn’t miss the way how close Jaspar had gotten from the time he had first laid down to now. There was literally no space between their bodies. Every curve was met with the returning curve of the other’s body. That’s what he loved and that was the one thing he would never get tired of feeling. Well, there were other’s but he didn’t have time to be that distracted with his own thoughts when Jaspar was talking. In response, he dipped his chin in a nod. “Mm,” he muttered while his hand reluctantly dropped from Jaspar’s skin. He didn’t want to let go. If he would have had his choice, they’d stay in that bed for the rest of the night. But, he could understand Jaspar’s eagerness to just get away from this asylum. Jager rolled over on his back, taking up the space that his boyfriend had been keeping warm since he’d gotten on the bed. A sigh parted form his lips as he inhaled the familiar scent that was laced with the boy’s skin. But not long after he had turned, Jager was moving again to let his eyes scan over that outline of oh so delicious hips and beautiful skin. Those teeth found their way against his lip, biting down to stop the whine from escaping his throat. God, did he wish he was able to have a sight like this all the time. He hated it that they had to wait for the comfort of the night or for their sessions together. But now that he was alone with the boy, he was going to take advantage of the fact that they didn’t have to hide anything. He pushed himself off the bed and closed the distance between them.
A smile brightened his lips as he stepped forward with his hands lifting to run through that deep chestnut hair. Jager leaned in and touched their mouths together again; hands dropping to his neck before lowering down his bare chest and to run around his hips to finally rest at the small of his back. Pulling those lips away again, Jag pushed his face into the curve of Jaspar’s neck. His arms tightened around the boy’s thin waist. This embrace had been highlighting his thoughts for a while now. Being close with Jaspar was a popular conversation in his head. Sighing against the pale skin of his lover’s neck, he let his fingers go back to push into the soft muscle. “Mmm, I missed you, baby.” His voice was soft; loving. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you after you left today.” A smile tightened over his lips. If he had the chance to always be this close to Jaspar, he’d take it. There was something telling him that he was sure he could always get another job and still have the same love interest with the boy. But he also knew that Jaspar would blame himself for Jager quitting his job. He’d just have to convince Jaspar that it was all worth it.
Pressing a chaste kiss to the other’s jaw, he let his fingers spread and run up the soft contour of Jaspar’s spine.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - STATUS finished. WORDS 1,617 words. COMMENTS i hate this post. ew. CREDITS image from cobra-starship.org, cropping and text banner to lex. form to lex also. you steal, you get eaten. MUSIC tiffany blews - fall out boy. TAGS jaspar murphy.
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Post by jaspar geoffrey murphy on Sept 11, 2009 18:49:27 GMT -5
WHEN HE FIRST ARRIVED TO THE hospital, he hadn't exactly been the most excited person. He didn't want to end up being categorized as "crazy" or "unstable" or whatever it was he could have been called. He wanted to be just a little bit normal. Normal enough to be able to deal with life on his own. He didn't want to worry about the constant attacks he would get. Sure, medication worked simply on its own. But he wanted to try to get past the ability of just slipping that pill whenever he had to. Okay, so he knew that would more than likely be impossible. There wasn't any stability in his mind when a pill wasn't taken. As much as he hated it, it was the truth. He hated the fact that he was different from most people. All Jaspar wanted was some "normality." The boy preferred to blend in with the crowd rather than stick out against it. Sometimes, that was hard with what once seemed like random outbursts and nonsense. Then the medication came into play. And life was good there for a little while. Until he noticed the unfortunate weight gain he was getting as a side effect. That might have been when the bulimia started in. He was self-conscious about the small amount of extra weight that attached to his body. Soon, scheduled visits to the bathroom after most meals came into play. As far as he knew, no one was aware of it. Or if they were they didn't say anything about it. That might have been better. Maybe. At one point though, he had just stopped taking his medications all together. Needless to say, his "illness" got worse afterward. The hallucinations got worse, the delusions increased. For the most part, he had withdrawn himself from most social interactions, and his emotions became more and more transparent. That had been the way he arrived here. And for the most part, he could say that he's improved a lot. Sure, it took a while before he was actually able to talk to the therapist, admit what was going on in that little head of his. He made it though. The slow process of making himself better was moving on, day by day. Soon, he'd be able to go through with living life like he once did. Except better. But now, now there was a new face in the picture, a new interest of his. And Jaspar would be completely honest if he said that never wanted to lose him. His therapist had become something so, so much more than he should be. And in some way, Jaspar was finding no problems with this at all. The older male was all that he wanted, needed. There wasn't much more he wanted than to just be wrapped up in those strong arms and held close to the other. Jager was Jaspar's weakness, you could say. And he really didn't mind that at all. Though, when the time came for him to leave, he wasn't sure what he was going to do. Sure, there wasn't much for Jaspar to stay here. All he had was Jager. Back in Chicago, he had his past friends and his family. Most importantly, his daughter. He didn't want Jager to give up his job. The job he probably worked so hard to get to move with him to Chicago. If he would even do that, that is. He didn't the other male doing anything he didn't have to for him. Though, this relationship, it was something Jager didn't have to do. He wanted all of this to be real. What they had, how he felt, what he hoped the other felt. In the end, he didn't want to go back home with a broken heart. Or go anywhere with a broken heart. Jager was something no one could replace for him. All Jaspar had ever really wanted was just someone to call his own, someone to love him unconditionally, someone to fall asleep next to. All he had ever wanted was just someone. At the beginning of his life, he had always thought it would have been a girl, some petite brunette to place at his side to bring home to mom and dad. But no, that didn't really end up being the case. What he had now was a slightly taller brunette to bring home. And shall we mention that brunette is of the opposite sex as well? Yeah, basically the complete opposite, but that's okay. Right? He hoped so. Being in the arms of said other right now, none of it really seemed to matter. The way their bodies were close to one another just seemed like that ever so clichéd right. Jaspar really didn’t think that there would be any other place he’d rather be. Not now, and not ever. Just the other’s presence was good enough for him, in all honesty. It was almost a calming feeling he got whenever the two were in the same room. There was a comfort, and Jaspar knew very well that he was protected no matter what. Jager wouldn’t let anything bad happen to him. Though, that part in the future might get just a bit annoying, it didn’t matter now. He wanted that security he felt at all times. But he knew that was impossible. The older male couldn’t be with him 24/7. No matter how much he wanted him to be. Jager had a job to do, other patients to care for and help. No, Jaspar wouldn’t ever say that he was jealous of them. Not fully at least. What he had with the therapist was something different than what they had with him. At least, that’s all he could hope right now. But he really didn’t want to think about the other being with someone else. Think about the other having his lips tackled with someone else’s like theirs were now. No. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if that were true. And yeah, the boy was naïve and gullible, but he didn’t want to be taken that far away from the truth. He wanted to be the only one Jager wanted. And that’s really all he believed now. Even if it was questioned at those few moments where his thoughts were pushed away. Feeling insecure was not something new for the boy. But he wished he wouldn’t feel that way with those bare patches of skin sticking out. Sure, nudity was natural and often a good thing. It all depended on your view of it. But Jaspar wasn’t always the most positive of his features. If he had a mirror in front of him, he’d probably point out every detail wrong with him. Hell, he might not even need that to show them all to you. There were those few scars lining his skin. None of them self made. Most were just accidents. Like the one that cut through his side and hips from that drunken trip to the skate part. (Since then, he’s vowed to never drink anything stronger than wine.) Most of his scars were from his “episodes” though. Those times where he was unable to control anything and his mind got the best of him. He never did talk about those, always avoided the subject. But, that is just beside the point. Being close to naked in front of his secret boyfriend was a bit more nerve wracking than he would have thought. And even if the other knew every close to every flaw he had, he still wanted to try to be perfect for him. He didn’t want the other to reject making the choice of risking his job for him. Though, when Jaspar really thought about it, he hated himself for it. The boy shouldn’t be doing this; there shouldn’t be added stress onto his life because of him. But maybe Jaspar was just being a little selfish with the boy and didn’t want to let him go. Seeing the other before him in the dark room caused him to blink before those lips were on his again. He gasped briefly before his lips molded with the others. A shiver fell down his spine at the feeling of the other’s hands on his skin. You could say that it wasn’t anything he was really adjusted to. Or maybe it was just that boy’s touch that was able to send those shivers through his system…. Yeah, he liked the sound of that. His body leaned against the other male’s hand, enjoying that feeling going through his body. And a small pout that he would deny having formed on his lips when the other pulled their lips apart to place his head against his neck. His teeth latched onto his bottom lip, before they let go and a smile formed onto those rosy lips. “ I m-missed you too,” he said, whispering, to the other. “ But w-we’re both here n-now.” Now, he wouldn’t deny it if anyone said that his smile grew bigger at that comment. If there was one thing that Jaspar loved more than anything, it would be whatever time he got with Jager. Even if it was only that hour long session he had with him. Maybe he was too addicted, too attached, to the other. But he wasn’t seeing that as a bad thing. Right now, Jager was all that he wanted. All that he needed. And he hoped it was going to be like that forever. Yeah, spending the rest of his life with the other boy sounded like a really good idea. He didn’t ever want to leave from that space in the other’s arm, that space right against him. Maybe Jager had been his missing puzzle piece, or some other lame romantic cliché. But that’s all Jaspar could resort to in order to describe it. He let his body melt against the other’s when he felt those shivers fill in over him. And yeah, he really wouldn’t mind spending the rest of his night just like they were now. The other male so, so close to him and neither of them really having to worry about anything. But that would have only been if he had wanted to stay in the institution. And while Jager did make it seem okay even if for a little while, he would still enjoy being out in an actual environment even if for a few hours. “ But, w-we still have th-those plans you’ve made,” he stated, “ and I th-think I would enjoy that m-more than sitting here a-all night.” Forcing himself, he pulled away from the other. He didn’t want to leave that warm comfort of the other any time soon, but he wanted to move on with the night and at least try to get out of here. Though, he didn’t want to risk the chance of the other getting in trouble and losing his job. Jager was good at what he did. At least, when it came to him. So, maybe his opinion was a bit biased, but that shouldn’t matter. Jager shouldn’t be getting in any trouble over him. But that what their whole relationship was with one another, wasn’t it? Biting down on his bottom lip again, he picked up on one of his shirts and slipping it onto his body. And yeah, he was still a bit self-conscious about himself. No matter how much the other could express that he wanted him, he would still always feel that he wouldn’t ever be good enough to fully please the boy. But those should be another story for another time. Right now, through lens covered eyes, he watched his boyfriend. At least his silhouette. Jaspar had never seen too well in the dark, with or without glasses. Shaking his head a bit, he carefully walked through the all too sall room to find that one jacket he had brought along with him. Or that his mother had forced him to bring. Yeah, Jaspar could be said to be a “momma’s boy.” He would just blush and deny it if anything was ever said. Like he would a lot of things as well. He slipped the article of clothing on before making his way back over to his boyfriend. Still biting that lip of his, he wrapped his arms around the other. He studied the boy’s face for a moment before pressing his lips against the corner of his mouth. “ W-we should get g-going. S-so we have t-time, yeah?” he asked, voice hushed, as he slowly moved to press his lips to the others. TAG jager ozwell. STATUS finished. WORDS 2,105. OUTFIT add glasses to this basically.CREDIT banner edit and design: mary jane, lyrics: cobra starship. NOTES my first over 2000 word post for you? yeah, i think so. and they're adorable. oh, and this might be the fastest post i've written too.
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Post by jager thane ozwell on Sept 14, 2009 20:35:58 GMT -5
• Never once had he expected to be anything alike a doctor of some sort. He helped people, so that was generally classifying him as a doctor, or maybe something of the sort. For Jager, he didn't like to define himself. He just knew that he allowed others to work with their issues so they could lead a normal life. Though he was never one for being so simple to submit to being 'normal', he still needed to classify what society defined itself as. He hated seeing pain. Physical and mental both. But when it came to your mind being unstable, he knew exactly what that was like. Sure, he'd endured plenty of physical pain as well but he wasn't about to go back and think about all the horrible and inhumane things he had witnessed while he had been in service. But sometimes, you had to do what you felt was right for not only yourself but those around you. Technically, Jager hadn't been inspired to help out those with mental instability by the institution itself. It had been the constant battle with forcing himself to stay calm when ever a loud noise rang out near by. He had struggled with his own sanity for so long that it only seemed fair that he allowed for other's that had similar issues as he had or in the same general category. Jaspar didn't have any of the problems that Jager had encountered, but they both had worked through delusions. They both had attacks of strenuous fear and discomfort with the unknown of what would happen next if you didn't get help soon. So, he had went to school and he had got his degree and now he was here in Williamstown, working at the institution. Why he had applied here instead of the larger facility in New York City was still a mystery to him. Maybe it had been all the stories he'd heard or the good offer of a well paying job that would be easy for his satisfaction.
It hadn't been until he had started to feel that attraction for one of his patients. The way that boy seemed to trust him or the way that he could open up and actually tell Jager what was wrong. He had connections with all of his patients, or at least he tried to. But never did he have such a strong feel for someone like he did for that boy. He knew it was an issue. He knew it was wrong to be 'fooling around' with someone that had applied to the institution for help. But he was helping Jaspar and then some on the side. Jager wouldn't lie. He knew he had strong feelings for Jaspar. But it was the fact that he didn't know how much he could handle that was keeping him back from ever uttering those words. He didn't want to over whelm the younger boy with his feelings. He wanted their connection to stay strong and their relationship to last. It was just the point of how it was going to last when it was time for Jaspar to go home. In his mind, Jager already had it made up. If it was what Jaspar wanted, he'd pack his bags, give up his job and move back to Chicago with him so they wouldn't have to deal with a long distance thing. Because no matter how hard people tried to say they did work, they never did. When you didn't have someone there to hold you when you were in need of someone to pull those strings together before they could unwind all together. He couldn't stay away from the love he felt. Hiding it from Jaspar was hard enough for him. There was a part of him that wished he could just say it; express those three words in a different way that would use no voice at all. Maybe tonight he could try doing that. He just hoped that it wouldn't get sent too strongly how he felt for Jaspar. He didn't want to make it seem like he was forcing this relationship on the other, no matter how willing he had seemed to be.
But there was always plenty of hope to have things work out in a way where it would be that true fairy tale happily ever after with the credits never rolling. It's just be a story that went on with each passing day and night. In a way, he already knew how much he depended on that hour and a half session with Jaspar. He knew how much he needed to be able to feel those lips against his or that body just fitting perfectly into his when they pressed tenderly close. Jager would surely be in denial if he weren't allowed to sneak in a few of those tender, loving touches to the younger boy. Without Jaspar to help keep his mind off some of the things he had had to deal with that day, Jager would easily be admitting himself into the institution. Even if that would make it easier for he and Jaspar to be together, he didn't think he should waste his or any of the other doctor's time. He was sane enough to get by and that was really all you needed.
Now, standing in the dark with the only light being from the break in the door frame, he was perfectly content with the mesh of their lips and bodies pressed to one another. Jager couldn't help but to smile at feeling that knock of knees and that shiver running down his boyfriend's body. Gently, he walked his fingers over the frail intruding bone of Jaspar's spine. The rivets of bone make that ghostly white skin far more delicate than it really was. He knew Jaspar bruised easily. The only way he knew that was because of the one day that he had accidentally held his boyfriend's hip a little to hard when he had him pushed against the wall and the next day he had caught sight of that easily distinguished finger like hand print on his hip. He always tried to be careful with the boy, but sometimes his body just drove him to the point where he wasn't so much in control anymore. Though they had been together sexually, he still wanted to take the precaution of not wanting to hurt the other boy in any way. When they had actually slept together, the next morning Jager had only gotten out just in time before the nurses started to make their rounds in the morning. There wasn't anything that Jager would regret about that night. Being with Jaspar in that kind of way wasn't entirely important to him. As long as he had the boy, he was already living his happily ever after.
Jaspar was far too important to him to ever hurt him knowingly. Never would he want to push him too far or too hard. This relationship needed to be equal in both senses of the word. Each of them needed to have the say on what they did with one another or how it all played out.
A smile broke against those soft lips, spreading into the hidden skin under that chestnut hair that always brushed past the middle of Jaspar's neck. Opening his mouth to breath out with that hot air rolling across that luke-warm skin, it was bound to feel a little implying. Bringing Jaspar back to his apartment meant they didn't have to worry about anyone seeing them or finding out what they were doing. There wasn't a noise limit (minus the complaining he'd get from his neighbors about some sort of childish ruckus because he wasn't allowed to bask in his evening), well, at least to an extension there wasn't. He wanted to be able to love Jaspar for at least one night with out having to worry that this was wrong. Because no matter what, no one was going to take this from him. He was in love with one of his patients and he wasn't going to stop loving him because the rules said so. This wasn't some game he was playing; it was real love and not some teenage romance, no matter how that word still seemed to be tacked onto Jaspar's age. The other acted far beyond his years, and besides. Age was just a number. So, with that smile deepening at his boyfriend's comment, he subconsciously nodded into that tender skin before pressing a mouthful of kisses to the soft skin. "That we do," he waited, taking in those last few seconds of Jaspar's warmth before he allowed him to be fully released from the embrace they had just been tied tightly in.
Drawing in a breath, he couldn't help his eyes from wondering down Jaspar's thin frame. The way his body made angles all summed up to actually be very beautiful. He loved the way that no matter how sharp some of them felt, they all seemed to be able to fit against his own body so well. Jager's teeth found his lip, eagerly bitting down on the skin to drag it into his mouth while he watched that fabric cover that skin with a jealous feeling sliding over his thoughts. While it seemed to be pathetic to be jealous of a shirt, it was understandable from Jager's point of view. He wanted to be the one wrapped around Jaspar's small body; keeping him safe from the bitter cold that they were going out to endure for the night. But the minute that he felt those skinny arms wrap back around his lean middle, Jager instantly soothed back into the embrace they had left shortly before. Instead of feeling just smooth skin, he could feel the farther protection of clothing. Jag brought his mouth into that sideways kiss; letting his eyes fall closed so he could enjoy Jaspar being more aligned for the lead roll this time. He stayed silent to let that string of struggled words break the steady silence aside from their breathing and their bodies moving against one another. Jager's hand lifted to slid under that shirt and jacket, holding onto that once bruised hip.
When their mouths were pushed together again, he could only mutter a quiet 'mmhm' for a reply. Kissing Jaspar meant that he was going to be far too distracted for talking. Forcing the boy's mouth open, he pushed his tongue forward to let it rub over the ridges of Jaspar's mouth. It dropped to slide against his boyfriend's in a way that was probably too suggestive of just how much of a strain Jager was feeling right now. But, he had promised a night out on the town and that was what Jaspar was going to get. Regretfully, he pulled back and emitted a groan of his own. That had had worked farther up; now fitted against Jaspar's shoulder blade and gently clasping the skin to drag his hips subconsciously into the other's. In the back of his mind, Jager almost wanted to apologize for his bluntly forward actions. But he didn't, because he had to convince himself that Jaspar was his boyfriend and it was okay to actually do something like he just had with him. Running his tongue over his lips, he didn't dare step away from their exchanging warmth. He let his hand slide back down to that sharp hip before falling against Jaspar's thigh. He sighed to himself; still with his eyes closed. "I don't want to take you back on time tonight. I want you to be able to relax. Sleep in a real bed for once. My bed." Jager dropped his lips to the small bit of skin that was peeking from the dropped collar of Jaspar's shirt.
Clearing his throat, he fit his fingers into those empty slots between Jaspar's. Offering a soft smile, he brought their lips together in a much less hungry kiss before departing and pulling Jaspar toward the door. "Let's go." He pulled the door open, biting his lower lip. This whole sneaking around thing could really make him nervous. But he had been trained for this; to go by unseen. Glancing back at his boyfriend, he pressed his finger to his lips to signal for him to be quiet. Moving quickly, he reached the turn off for the hallway; then following to the exit door.
Feeling that burst of cold, winter night air sting his lungs was the best feeling he'd had in a long time. Well, in the whole minus Jaspar kind of way. He took a deep breath, enjoying the way that his lungs stung with the cold exchanging with the warm. Dropping Jaspar's hand with the whole warning system of alarms flagging in his mind, he casually let his arm slide around his boyfriend's thin middle. Glancing up, he watched the moon laminate the night sky in a way that made the snow glow around them. Jager leaned over, pressing a chaste kiss to the pointed curve of Jaspar's jaw. "Dinner first?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - STATUS finished. WORDS 2,183 words. COMMENTS idek. i actually like this post. for once. and jager had me going there for a minute. CREDITS image from cobra-starship.org, cropping and text banner to lex. form to lex also. you steal, you get eaten. MUSIC the scene is dead, long live the scene - cobra starship. TAGS jaspar murphy.
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Post by jaspar geoffrey murphy on Sept 15, 2009 17:11:43 GMT -5
AFTER THE FIRST ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF THE attraction he felt for the older man, he feared what would possibly happen. Yes, Jaspar was the shy type, the one who never focused hard enough to break himself with the habits. He’d daydream all he wanted to be that confident, stutterless version of himself. They day that would arrive would amaze even himself. He was sure the day would never come. He would never lose that stutter of his, or the way his face heated up over nothing. No, those would always stick with Jaspar. They’d always be a part of him, no matter what. Even if it did seem worse around other people, certain people, more than others. Mostly, it had been the ones that he had liked more than he should that it was worse around. That might have been what gave himself away to the other, gave away that little crush that he had been forming over the first few sessions with the therapist. And even now, he couldn’t really figure out how it all started. All he could remember was the sudden crash of their lips together and everything had taken off since then. But their relationship was definitely something Jaspar had never expected or planned. Maybe that was why he liked it a bit more than he should. Or maybe that was just his general feelings about it. Maybe they were just too strong, and maybe that sort of scared him still. Yeah, sure, he felt that he could trust the other with everything. But he was still worried with handing his heart over to the older male. He didn’t want to experience another heartbreak. Even if he was under the impression that this may actually be it. But Jaspar had always been a little more than naïve, gullible, than he should be. He wanted everything to be genuine, or at least honest. Don’t get him wrong though, he did know that the world had its flaws. Would he be here if it didn’t? No, no, he wouldn’t. If there were no flaws, he wouldn’t be here, he wouldn’t have met Jager, and he wouldn’t have had that beautiful girl he rarely saw anymore. And maybe that was what upset him the most about being here. Even if he was pushing to keep her away from this place. He didn’t want her to be in here, even if it was just for a visit. He didn’t like being in here himself. And it wasn’t just necessarily because of the too white walls, the occasional flickering lights. No, there was more to it than that. If he were to be completely honest about it all, he would have to admit that a few of the patients scared him more than they should. And yeah, he didn’t want his daughter to be within a hundred miles of them. Even if that is a bit of an exaggeration, it was still true. He didn’t want there to be any danger for his daughter. If something happened to her, he wasn’t sure what he would do. He wasn’t sure if he could make it through much. Maybe fall back from his “recovery.” Possibly withdraw himself from everyone and everything. Or that could just be a bit dramatic. But the girl was everything to him. She was the main reason he was here. The main reason he wanted to get “better” and try to lead a normal life. If it wasn’t for Misty, who knew where Jaspar would be. Maybe in the grave from his own insanity, or maybe he would have been here a lot sooner than he had come. Hell, maybe Jaspar wouldn’t even been here at all. Then, he wouldn’t have had met Jager though. And he wasn’t sure how he felt about that. The boy was everything to him now, but if he hadn’t met him, he was sure he’d either find him some other way, or he would just eventually find someone else. Maybe he’d even die alone. Jaspar didn’t want to think about his life without the boy though, not with the male so, so close to him right now. That hand going up his spine, and the touch itself still sent shivers through his system. Perhaps Jager was going to drive him mad, but this might have been a good kind. One that he wouldn’t mind living with everyday. Just as long as Jager was around, everything would be okay. That’s what the nineteen year old wanted to believe. He didn’t want to think about losing the male or everything just going haywire because of the other wasn’t there for some reason. No, he liked the way the other’s touch made him feel. The way his heart always sped up just a bit more whenever they were this close, the way that touch made him fall right into the other. Maybe it was all cliché, girl shit, but Jaspar really didn’t want any of it to ever end. He wanted to experience this all the time. Until the two of them grew old and they started to bald. Or whatever it was that they would do when they got older. And yeah, the boy could picture them getting old together, as lame as it sounded. But behind that oh, so girlish nature of him, was that small hopeless romantic. The one that Jaspar secretly hated. But hey, he lived with it. His body moved against the other, his hip moving with the hand that had placed itself there. Allowing his lips to part for the other, he kissed back. Or at least caught the other’s tongue with his own and massaged it. Sure, he still wouldn’t have minded just staying there for the night again, getting tangled together again in those sheets of his. Really, all he wanted was time with his boyfriend. Secret boyfriend, but still boyfriend nonetheless. Even if those “important” words never truly slipped out, he could almost feel it there. Or at least he hoped so. There was still that part of Jaspar that was being overly protective over his own heart, and he was slowly giving it to Jager every day. He wasn’t sure if the boy knew it or not. But Jaspar was falling for him, falling just a bit farther every day. If he hasn’t fallen completely yet. But with the way that their lips, their bodies, were together, there wasn’t much room in that mind to think. Oh, no. It might have clouded over a bit as the other’s hand slide over his skin, and that bit of a drag of their lips. Maybe in the back of his mind, he was still saying it was weird to be with someone of the same gender. After all, until Jager, he had been considering himself straight. Or at least casually. There had been that questioning in his mind about who and what he was attracted to. And apparently Jager had been his answer for that. Sure, maybe if the older male ever left him, he probably wouldn’t go after another male. He couldn’t’ be too sure about that. But there had never the type of attraction he felt for the other. The male was almost everything Jaspar had ever wanted. Almost, because not everything can be completely perfect. But that was okay for him, he could deal with that. Just as long as the boy was here with him. Jaspar allowed himself to breathe just a bit deeper than normal as the other spoke. A small smile rose to those kiss swollen lips of his as the boy finished. Sure, there would possibly be more than just sleeping going on there, but that was okay with him. Just as long as Jager was there and they didn’t have to worry about anything, everything would be all right. “ Mm,” he noised out, “ I’d like th-that.” His teeth scrapped over his bottom lip for a moment before he spoke again, “ I don’t w-want you to get in trouble th-though.” Yeah, he was going to worry about it. Did that really needed to be said? He would hate himself if Jager ever lost his job because of him. He didn’t want that. Though, he knew that with this relationship there was always that risk. It was a bit of a mixed thing going on. Good and bad all in one. But he didn’t think he could stay away from Jager long enough. The boy might have become a bit of a drug for him. Not a bad thing (or maybe it was), but always wanted to be with him. No matter what. In the small time that they had been dating, Jager had become a bit part of Jaspar life. A part that he never wanted to let go of. His fingers absently squeezed the boy’s hand as their fingers were laced, and that smile never really left his lips. He nodded at the other’s command to be quiet. Though, that wouldn’t really be much of an issue for him. After all, Jaspar was the type of guy who barely even spoke unless he was spoken too. And yeah, okay, he could be a bit of a klutz and could possibly knock things over. (He’ll always blame the long limbs for his clumsiness. Always.) But if it involved him getting out of this place, even if for a few hours, he would be good about it. And besides, Jager was guiding him through. It shouldn’t be too hard to not make much noise after all. And he really didn’t make any. Just the light padding of the footsteps as they walked and that was about it. Though, he did let out a deep breath that he wasn’t aware that he had been holding. But that was okay. With Jager’s arm wrapping around him, he leaned into the touch as a smile formed on his lips again. Jaspar nodded at the other’s question. “ Y-yes,” he said, maybe a bit too quietly, but hey, whatever. His voice had gotten used to being that way when he was around Jager. After all, most of their encounters were supposed to be secret, unknown. He had never wanted to get them “busted” or anything. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if that ever happened. “ Wh-where you taking me?” he asked as he allowed Jager to lead them to wherever it was that he was taking them. Not that really minded where. It was more of a question out of curiosity, ‘cause yeah, he was a bit curious of where they were going. Just a little though. TAG jager ozwell. STATUS finished. WORDS 1,771. OUTFIT add glasses to this basically.CREDIT banner edit and design: mary jane, lyrics: cobra starship. NOTES i still love them. that is all.
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Post by jager thane ozwell on Sept 15, 2009 20:13:57 GMT -5
• Love was a very powerful emotion. It had the ability to keep hopeless romantics hopeful and the broken hearted stocking up on scotch tape to be able to repair those cracks. It was rare and sometimes it wasn't real. It lied and it had the power to break you down to the most vulnerable figure of a person anyone had ever seen. But everyone still looked for it because it was said to be the best feeling you would ever come in contact with. Jager didn't know what the definition of love was, but he had an idea of what it felt like. You didn't need to be able to say why you felt the way you did. As long as you had a way of expressing it, you didn't need your voice to get the message across. With Jaspar, he hadn't ever exchanged those three little words that were said too much but never enough. He was sure they would get to the point where they were able to freely count on those words to get out without having worry of the other freaking out because of their occurrence. That was what Jager was waiting for. Even if their relationship was built up on limited time, he was still waiting for the moment to be the perfect one (as far as perfect got). Jaspar deserved the best in his eyes and that's what he was going to get. Jager wasn't the kind of person that was only going to go in half way when it came to new things or new people. Jaspar wasn't exactly new, but this kind of relationship was. Never before had he felt his heart physically pulse for someone else. But it wasn't just that little jump of pace with the beat of his heart. It was the incline of his breathing or the way a smile so easily wrapped around his lips. Or maybe it was the way he could be so carefree around Jaspar. Being in love and having a crush were two different things. But combined, maybe they could over power the limits of both words.
But how could he not think that he was falling in love when his body was pressed so close to the center of what he revolved around? It was almost enough for him to let those three little words slip passed the currently busy space of his mouth. But Jager would wait. He'd keep his self control and he'd always make sure that Jaspar was completely comfortable with where they were at in this relationship before he ever considered actually letting those words work from his mouth. What ever they were going off to do, Jager just wanted the younger boy to know that he was doing this out of love; not because he wanted to see Jaspar get better. He did, of course; want to see him get better. But taking him out and letting him come home to the therapist's home would be something new all together. It'd been on his mind for a while now. Thinking about Jaspar was normally a very popular subject to his thoughts. But now, he was currently contemplating just how well his whole plan would work out if he kept Jaspar longer that he was technically allowed to. It didn't matter. Saying he was just getting back from a long walk of letting Jaspar see around the campus more would make perfect sense. So, he really wasn't worried about his plan blowing up and turning out to not work.
So, as he tugged Jaspar along with him down the eerie, empty hallways of the institution. Personally, Jager hated the way that even under the glowing light of the hallway lighting, it still seemed to be pitch black in the shallow hallways. He was just glad when he felt that bitter claw of cold air rush against his body like a wave crashing over the compacted grains of water soaked sand. It felt good to be able to get away from where they had been more or less locked behind a confined space to keep everyone 'safe'. From what, he wasn't really sure. The real world wasn't really no different from the standard living inside that big, white and welcoming building. Jager hated how everything looked so calm on the outside. You never really knew what went on behind closed doors or say when the lights went out. The comparison of his own relationship being hidden under a lower light made a shameful type of smile spread over those slightly kiss swollen lips. This was how he was going to help himself get over the wrong feeling of letting Jaspar get so close. He'd joke about the little things and take all the larger things to heart.
Maybe that would turn out to be a problem, maybe it wouldn't. All he knew was that he wanted things to end with him and Jaspar tied together in a way that would help all of those surface when the time was right. They couldn't hide out forever. After all, Jager would never truly be satisfied with having to constantly sneak around to see someone that he loved. No matter how classical that kind of love plot got, he wasn't the one to be wanting to live out a fairy tale. He had his own way of writing things along the way and he wasn't about to let anyone else take over how he was going to go about this... situation? No, more like time period in his life. That sounded a lot better. Jaspar wasn't any trouble to him. Sure, there were the risks and the feelings of always never having enough time to spend with the boy, but it was moments like these that made up for all those draining hours of having to pretend he was just some other doctor in the crazy house. So with his arm secured tightly around the boy's thin waist, he let that smile easily spread to a wider grin; content with the way that Jaspar was leaning back into him. Maybe his arm happened to tighten; pull him just a bit closer. Maybe it didn't. All he knew was that he was enjoying his time with his boyfriend and he wasn't going to give it up for some daydream he could actually be making it become real right now.
The snow was just a thin layer over the concrete their feet was winding over. Each step was leaving a path that would only be covered again by morning. With the way that the flakes were falling in a delicate cross hatch pattern, it seemed like it would just take minutes before their path to a short night of freedom would be concealed again. The initial fear of Jaspar catching a cold set into Jager's thoughts. The boy subconsciously (or maybe not so much) drew the younger male tighter into his lean side. Using his hand to casually rub against Jaspar's front, he started to search for the park light brightened path that he knew they would have to take in order for them to get to the restaurant he had picked out. Okay, so some simple diner wasn't anything too fancy, but in all honesty, was it really expected of Jager to take the younger boy out to some five star dine in where he would only feel out of place and far too cliche to really admit to what he was doing? No. Jager was going to take Jaspar to some simple every day diner where they could get any good type of american food. Now that sounded like one of the best kind of meals for the boy. He hadn't had real food in such a long time. Besides being hooked on coffee to keep him up in the morning, he normally just went with snacks in the day instead of proper foods. With Jager being a vegan, that made his kind of diet very dangerous to his own personal health. He needed proper meals so he wouldn't be offing himself anytime soon. Maybe it would be smart to add that in to his reminder of thoughts.
All ready distracted with the sound of that cute stutter fighting it's way though the cold, Jager's smile only seemed to stretch farther over those whole lips. His chocolate eyes flashed with the excitement and near childish reaction he was about to give to Jaspar inquiry. Bouncing forward, he slipped his arm away from that thin body momentarily so he could step ahead of Jaspar and walk back wards with that particular bounce still present in his step; even if it was reversed. "Well, first I'm going to take you off to some amazing spanish restaurant, then I'll whisk you off your feet. And then," He paused, lifting the hand that he was still holding onto tightly. Bringing it to his mouth, his kissed the back of Jaspar's hand before he pulled him forward in a twirl (yes, he could actually dance) against his body. Drawing his arms around his front, he held the younger boy's back tightly against his chest. "And then i'll take you away from anything that could ever hurt up and I'll sing you spanish lullabies all night long until you're asleep in my arms." That once bright, wide smile had softened now. His words were just a mere whisper in Jaspar's ear while his fingers caressed the cold skin under his warm finger tips. Licking his lips, he slowly pulled away and turned Jaspar forward again. Offering that same calm, but very loving smile, he started forward into the step toward the diner again.
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The door opened with the quiet chime of bells. Welcoming them with a lower warmth and a laminating darkness that was helped along with the soft looming light of candles brightly glowing off the backdrop of the quiet diner. Never once did his hand unwind from those spidery fingers. A waitress greeted them and arranged for one of the candle lit tables in the far corner of the room. No, he hadn't set it up. Okay, maybe he had. But at least he was hoping that Jaspar was enjoying there time out together. As any good gentlemen, he pulling the chair out for his boyfriend with that same smile still pressed to his lips. Stealing a short, chaste kiss from those soft lips, he left the chair open before dropping over onto his own side of the table. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - STATUS finished. WORDS 1,748 words. COMMENTS i guess i saw the whole out in the park snow scene a little too well. CREDITS image from cobra-starship.org, cropping and text banner to lex. form to lex also. you steal, you get eaten. MUSIC i miss you - blink182. TAGS jaspar murphy.
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Post by jaspar geoffrey murphy on Sept 17, 2009 15:06:38 GMT -5
BEING IN “LOVE” WASN’T SOMETHING THAT Jaspar was completely unfamiliar with. No, it was something that he had felt once before, a while ago. And sure, love had its different shapes and phases. It wasn’t something that could be completely described. People could try, but it was usually a different story each time. Sure, a few things could be familiar, but for the most part, it wasn’t anything that could be phrased into words. Or, at least, that’s how Jaspar could see it. He could remember the first time he had realized he was in love for the first time, for what he thought was love at least. Sure, he could have just been naïve about it, being so young and the other had been someone who had been close to him for most of his life. It was the ever so clichéd story of falling in love with the girl next door. When he looked back at it, that’s how he saw it. Not that he regretted everything with Karen. No, he didn’t regret their relationship, any word or any action they had done together. If he did, that means he would have regretted Misty, and he didn’t regret her one bit. The little girl was still one of the best things to ever happen to him, even if his life seemed to fall downhill after her birth. But that was okay. As we know already, Jaspar was okay with that. As long as she was in his life, everything was okay. Though, comparing his feelings for Jager to those he had once felt for Karen wasn’t really a good thing to do. The other could possibly get upset if he could actually see, or hear, every thought that went inside that mind of his. But there were two completely different things that had formed. It had taken Jaspar a year to realize his feelings for the girl. And after those three little words were uttered, things got both better and worse. That had been the night he had lost his virginity, and the night that Misty was conceived. Yeah, the first and only time he had had sex and he had gotten a girl pregnant. It’s not something most people would have wanted to happen. But getting “caught up in a moment” and just moving on without many worries, simple things could be forgotten. That’s how he saw it at least, and that’s what he felt had happened. But now, with Jager, the feelings came much sooner than a year. Obviously. But like most others would say, it was unpredictable. That was the part that could scare Jaspar the most. Sometimes, he had things in his mind that he liked to keep steady, normal, unchanged. Falling in love? Yeah, that could definitely be something that could disrupt his ideas for his life. Though, he was not going to complain about any of it. This was possibly one of the best things in his life right now. Whatever it really was though, he didn’t want to classify it as anything. Most things made it sound bad. It was a stage in his life, a phase he was going through. It was a situation or even occurrence. It just…was. And he was content with that. Maybe even more so. The older was something he didn’t want to ever let go of, even if he had to at some point. Feeling the other’s touch was enough to sent whatever worries he had away, and yes he did realize how clichéd that sounded. And he didn’t want to live the clichéd life, he really didn’t. But sometimes those ridiculous things you see in those romantic comedies, or whatever other nonsense movies out there, chick flicks, did actually come true in real life. Or, that’s how he saw it whenever he was with Jager. Sometimes at least. Life wasn’t a scripted romantic comedy, or a perfectly plotted romance novel. There were still things that happened that ruined it all. Like the acts of stubborn qualities, and selfishness. Little bickering and larger arguments. Not that all of those have happened with the older male. Sure, a little argument here and there, but nothing too drastic. Sure, they may happen someday, but he wasn’t going to think about that now. Being outside, feeling the cold breeze blow by, did actually feel good. Yeah, Jaspar could easily say that he hated the cold, and that he would prefer the warm confines of a house or a room. A bed, even. Having Jager oh, so close to him, there wasn’t much he could actually complain about A small smile worked its way onto his lips as he felt Jager pull him closer. Yeah, this was a safe place. For him at least, and he hoped it always would be. Maybe that was just him being a little bit clingy, or something. He wasn’t sure, but he still rested himself against the other as they walked. His teeth pulling his bottom lip between them and biting down gently. Looking inside that mind of his, you could see that Jaspar wasn’t exactly scared for tonight, worried that either of them would be caught. He was more nervous about what tonight could bring. Meaning what? He wasn’t fully sure. The younger boy didn’t know what his boyfriend had up his sleeve, but that didn’t necessarily mean anything bad was to happen. Even if Jaspar was unsure if he would actually be able to eat. Or if he could full keep much food in his system. Yeah, sure, his bulimia was getting better. A little bit, but he still didn’t eat as much as he should have. There was still that subconscious fear of him gaining weight once again. Too much weight at least. Sure, his body now wasn’t by any means “fat” or oversized. Well, he could be “oversized” when it came to height, but that was just another story. When it came to weight, Jaspar was a little touchy one the subject. But he would try for Jager. He didn’t want to worry the other anymore than what was completely necessary. Jaspar blinked at the other, curiously watching him as he turned backwards. His eyes remained focused on the other male as his lips moved to form words. Not too long after that string was said, he watched the other bring his hand up to his lips. And yeah, he could feel the blush form on those already rosy cheeks. He smiled though, when he felt himself being pulled toward the other, in a twirl. And the smile was carefree, and just a bit bigger than normally. But that might have been because of him trying to hold the small bit of laughter inside of him. He rested his head against the other, the back of it against his boyfriend’s collar as he listened to the words in his ear. A small shiver floating down his body from the heated breath coming the other’s mouth as he spoke. His eyes slipped closed for a moment; the smile remaining on his lips. “ I like th-the way all of that sounds,” he voiced before he felt the other’s body pull away from his. And maybe that smile on his lips fell just a bit, but he just shook it off. The boy was still here with him, still beside him, and still leading them to the diner where they would soon be having dinner. His teeth grabbed a hold of his lip again as they entered the diner. Those chocolate brown eyes taking in his surroundings for a moment before he was being pulled away to one of the tables. And maybe a small blush formed on his lips as he saw the location and the candles on the table. He looked at Jager for a moment, giving him a small questioning look, before he just shrugged it off. Besides, this was going to be a good night. He wasn’t going to question any of it. He let his lips press against the other’s shortly before he sat down in the chair. His fingers held onto the side and he pushed it in a bit. Teeth attacking his lip once again as he looked over at his boyfriend, eyes studying the boy as he sat. TAG jager ozwell. STATUS finished. WORDS 1,384. OUTFIT add glasses to this basically.CREDIT banner edit and design: mary jane, lyrics: cobra starship. NOTES yeah. i love and hate this.
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Post by jager thane ozwell on Sept 17, 2009 22:25:52 GMT -5
• Previous relationships weren’t a part of Jager’s past that he could soberly recall. Between the fits of drugs an alcohol, he spent more days either high as a kite or too drunk to string two words together. His teen years hadn’t been about being able to grow up and be the perfect son that every good american family wanted. Perfect was just another lie that the society had lead on to believe that it existed. But upon many hopeless searches for something that was as real as your every day unicorn, you weren’t going to find it. Jager didn’t remember ever ‘loving’ someone. He remembered strong attractions and hearty one night stands but never could he recall the feeling of his heart thumping against his chest or his breathing hitching and sending his stomach into a fit of butterflies whenever he saw that familiar chestnut hair bob into the room or when he recognized that long, secretly graceful stride when Jaspar entered the room. Really, the boy was so oblivious to his own beauty that it made Jager want to shove a mirror in front of the boy so he could just try to pick out his flaws. He could see them as personal issues, yes. But from Jager’s eyes, he was the closest thing to perfect that he was ever going to get. He wasn’t searching for that kind of thing either. Jaspar was not a mistake. That was something he was sure of. The younger boy had brought him so much satisfaction and ease to his busy day life. He was glad when he was able to wind down and spend the rest of his night with that thin body full of angles pressed tightly against his own, much more leaner frame. But the fear of driving those three little words into gear too soon was keeping him from muttering that kind of elation of affection. This wasn’t something that Jager wanted to ruin because of something brought along with simple words. He was in love; he didn’t doubt that, but that meant it was okay to have to wait to be able to really say that he was. But the older male had a feeling he’d wait forever if Jaspar asked him to.
As cheesy and classically romantic as it sounded, he had been planning this kind of night for such a long time now. The way the snow was slowly dropping down into soft flakes in Jaspar’s hair made a wonderful contrast against the seemingly red strands. Though Jager was very aware it was more of a chestnut than a copper, his vision impairment sort of didn’t deal him too well with being too bright eyed when it came to identifying colors. He was happy he was just able to still see rather than to be blind. Then, what ever kind of messstate he had gotten himself into now wouldn’t be happening. God, how did he care for someone he wasn’t supposed to feel anything but sympathy for? Jaspar changed everything. He changed the way that Jager saw his outlook on the whole ‘love is just a lie’ expression. He wanted to be in love but the problem was he only wanted to be in love with Jaspar. Now, whether Jaspar felt the same couldn’t be answered inside of Jager’s thoughts. He just hoped that they would be able to live like that kind of fairy tale that everyone secretly dreamed about living even if they didn’t put off as such a dreamer. Now though, with his jaw tenderly nestled against those copper locks, Jag breathed in a throaty breathe and let his eyelids slid downcast over his eyes. He breathed in, inhaling the sweet scent of that apple shampoo he had become so accustom to. Never would he get tired of that sickly sweet scent sticking to the so called ‘smell memory’ he was so grateful to still have as well. A sigh drove from those soft lips and he tilted his head some to glance down at that pale but angelic face that was calmly lit by the street light looming over them. Jager let the silence fall; just for a few seconds. Seeing Jaspar like this, so calm and collected and just happy, he’d take every day he could just so he’d be able to see that kind of secret smile that he himself was (hopefully) only able to get to show on those rosy lips. Jager was so used to seeing the flush of color rushing into those high cheek bones that now, as he saw the darted color filling his boyfriend’s cheeks, he was having trouble convincing himself that it was from the cold and not the embrace they were tangled in now.
So what if Jager was secretly a sucker for making those old black and white romance flicks taper into his real life experiences? He knew about Jaspar’s kinks; he knew what he liked even though he had never had the courage to really tell Jager about them. All of them at least. When you were trained to read people and you made a profession out of it, you kind of had to be good at your job in order to keep yourself fit for the position. Right now, there was no option to loose his job. Not with only the income to lose, but his (possibly last) boyfriend as well. Now that Jager thought about it, he wanted to be able to reach the point where he wouldn’t have to worry about being able to grab Jaspar’s hand without anyone else seeing. He loved physical attention; not just sex either. As long as he was treated with the proper amount of care, he could deal with being someone’s one and only. Right now though, his only concern was being Jaspar’s one and only. Anyone else would probably be the worst kind of replacement. At least, if he had known Jaspar before that was. Something inside of Jager told him that this was so meant to be worked through though. That they already had a plot line to follow even if they weren’t entirely who was who or what line when to what character. He didn’t care. That was probably another large part of how much he enjoyed being with Jaspar. He didn’t have to care what other people thought about them or their relationship because no matter what they thought, it wasn’t going to change his outlook on what he had. Nothing could effect his feelings and even though that sounded too much like some love story where in the end the couple that started it all only ended breaking up, well, this time it would be different. He would clash against any plot line that would go against what he had set in stone in his head. This was going to work and it wasn’t going to be anything forced. It would going to run smoothly with maybe a few bumps along the road, but hey, what didn’t kill you only made you stronger right? From his point of view, what they had going might be a little fucked up and some people would consider it to be wrong, but he didn’t have to care. He didn’t have to care because he loved Jaspar Murphy and nothing; not one damn thing was going to change that.
Finally sitting himself down in the chair across from the other, he took the short time of observation to look around the room. Yes. He had this planned. The candles. The dark off set lighting. The easy space under the milky white table clothe that could allow his leg to casually slip forward and intertwine with Jaspar’s without anyone even knowing. Jager wanted to make this night special. He wanted to make sure that Jaspar got the idea of how tonight was really going to mean something. It wasn’t just a night together or time well spent. It was being able to put some sort of leverage on where they stood in this relationship together.
Those deep, dark chocolate eyes connected with the much softer brown ones matching his eyes from across the flicker of light from the wavering candle light. Tilting his head to the side slightly, Jager moved his hand up to cup his throat while his elbow supported the weight against the table. The boy cleared his throat and let his tongue run over his lips before he drew those eyes away (finally), and dropped them down to that spidery hand spread on the table cloth. Lowering the hand that was supporting his throat, he reached down and let his warm grasp fill tightly around those colder, thinner hands. A smile tightly fit against his plush lips as he watched the way his dark skin actually fit as a good contrast with Jaspar’s own pale complexion. Letting the silence drag some, he collected his thoughts enough to be able to speak out and get an actual sentence from his mouth. “I’m glad you came with me tonight.” First, his eyebrows raised slightly before being followed by those dark eyes. The deep affection he had finally allowed to pool into that dark chocolate coloring waved forward toward their meeting gaze. Behind those black frames, he watched that caramel color stare back at his. Maybe his smile tweaked some, actually growing if that were truly possible. Shifting in his seat, he casually leg he calf slide against the thin contour of Jaspar’s own leg. Jager’s eyes dropped against, letting them follow the pattern of his thumb absently stroking small hearts into the boy’s skin. That smile softened and he let his eye lift against so he was positive that the words he was about to say would make their point and actually mean something like he meant. Swallowing, he felt the nervous twitch of butterflies in his stomach as he against shifted his leg to press against the other boy’s knee slightly. This closeness; this affection. It was all he really wanted. He blinked, finally parting his lips to speak clearly. “I want to be with you Jaspar. Not just secretly. I know it’s kind of the limitations we have to live with now, but I was thinking that maybe I could look for a job in Chicago when it’s time for you to go.” Picking at the nervous habit he had gotten from the very boy himself. His teeth hugged his lip before he straightened his composure and spoke with a much softer; meaningful tone. “I like you. A lot. I don’t want to have to picture what being without you would be like. I can’t remember what it’s like. There’s too much of you that fills my mind and I love. You make me happy. As a matter of fact, I can‘t remember when I was this happy.”
The waitress returns minutes later to set their ordered drinks down on the table. Instead of releasing Jaspar’s hand like he normally would of, he gives it a gentle squeeze and keeps his palm resting over that now warming skin. He muttered a quiet thanks to the woman easily eyeballing Jaspar for his ‘cute’ smile or the way his hair happened to be so easily framing his face just then. Jealous wasn’t a good emotion. But it wasn’t that kind of jealously. Instead, it was the more protector that was standing bright eyed and at attention in Jager’s thoughts. His. There was no ownership really. Jaspar’s choice was his own choice. But Jager couldn’t help but force himself to fleet off a scowl a the girl’s back. Instead, he focuses back on those honey eyes, so simple sweet and easy in the way they seem to be drawing him in without even trying to. Every bit about Jaspar, Jager loves. This is the best kind attention he’s gotten in who knows how long. Letting his fingers slid over that soft skin, he brought his eyes down to the menu for a short glance. A salad and a small dish of pasta would do it for him. After all, food may not really be his main course tonight. “Know what you want?” - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - STATUS finished. WORDS 2,032 words. COMMENTS <3 they're amazing. CREDITS image from cobra-starship.org, cropping and text banner to lex. form to lex also. you steal, you get eaten. MUSIC i'm lost without you - blink 182. TAGS jaspar murphy.
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Post by jaspar geoffrey murphy on Sept 18, 2009 13:24:40 GMT -5
HIS EYES STAYED FOCUSED ON THE tanner boy in front of him, smiling softly at the contact of their hands. Those teeth colliding with his lip once again with the silence filling over him. And, yeah. This could have just been a bit much for most people, but for Jaspar, it was perfect. Secretly, he was a bit of a sucker for romantic things. For the romantically clichéd things. It embarrassed him a bit. Sometimes at least. It wasn’t like he announced it out to the world. Oh, no. He kept that type of thing private. But he also kept a lot of things quiet. Most of the things that Jager could have possibly known about him, it was more likely than not that he had pieced it all together. Maybe that’s what had made it all the better for him. Maybe Jager did care for him more than he actually gave him credit for. That was just the way he was though. It was possibly that he thought too negatively about himself. Yeah, he was just a bit self-conscious but no matter what he tried to do, it didn’t help him much. Actually, that could be a bit of a lie. It wasn’t until lately that he actually tried to think better about himself. Why? Well, he could see a few of the concerned looks he’d get from his boyfriend when he would clue him in on how he really felt about himself. And, he hated seeing that torn look. Maybe it hurt the boy that he saw himself as nothing worth wanting. He was crazy though. He had the placement in the asylum to prove it. But there were the other things that provoked the further thinking. The scars placed to carefully not to his skin. No, they weren’t self given, but they were still there. Probably more noticeable to his eyes than others, but they were still there. His body was too awkward, too lanky, and a bit too disproportioned. Or, that’s how he saw it. Sure, bones stuck out from that pale skin a bit too easily at times, the sharp angles digging into people if they moved the wrong way together. The boy could probably use a few extra pounds on that skin of his, but for him, that was a bit hard to gather. Food had the ability to sicken him more than it should have, but that was just how viewed it. Or maybe he just disliked the concept of all the sugars, all the artificial substances put into the meals to make them more appealing. All they would do, sooner or later, would cause more damage than they were worth. He still sometimes forced the food into his system though. Most the time, it was just to please the others around him. Half the time, he had never really had the hunger to eat at all. But he didn’t want to raise any concern from other people. He already had enough pity given to him to last him just a bit more than a few centuries. Or maybe he was just over exaggerating again. But he was going to push past his insecurities tonight. He wasn’t going to let anything ruin this night for him. With his track record though, it was likely he would do something. After all, nothing can stay perfect forever. The candles and dim lighting though, it may have had his heart aching a bit more for the older male. Maybe it was those feelings for the other growing a bit more. After all, wasn’t it shown that the boy cared and listened to him? Or maybe it was all just a lucky guess. He liked to think it wasn’t though. He wanted to feel that the other did actually listen to him. More so than he needed to with his occupation. Jaspar was going to let his naivety play in for once and let himself believe that was what all this was. Even if it wasn’t true. It didn’t matter though, in the end, it would all be a good night and he would be able to fall asleep alongside his boyfriend and not really have to worry about anything. But, really, he would be worrying in the far back corner of his mind. Part of him for himself, and the majority for his boyfriend. He still didn’t want Jager to lose his job because of him. Perfect night or not. Whether it was worth it or not. It didn’t matter. If the male wasn’t going to be there for the rest of his treatment, then he wasn’t sure what was going to happen. Maybe he could fake it out until he was released and depend of Jager for the rest of whenever. But he didn’t want to do that. He wanted to actually get better; he wanted this whole visit be worth it. Even if Jager wasn’t there to finish it, as much as he hated to say it. Though, that might have been because most of Jaspar was convinced that it was just the boy in general that was helping him make it through. Even if he had known that it was impossible for such a thing to be true. But within the last nineteen years, Jager Ozwell was one of the best things that had ever happened to Jaspar. Even when his mother came and visited him, she had been mentioning that he seemed a lot happier, that there was a change in him. All he would say that Dr. Ozwell was doing his job and it was working. He would say that he was getting better. And yeah, his therapist was doing his job, and then some. But she didn’t need to know that he was actually participating in a “taboo” relationship with the man and that was the reason why there was a smile on his lips and a glint in his fragile eyes. No, his mother didn’t need to know that. Not yet at least. Maybe on the day of his departure. Yeah, he’d deal with her shock then. Right now, he didn’t want to be forced elsewhere, or away from Jager. Jaspar moved his eyes away from the other a few moments before he spoke, in fear of “staring.” Yes, he was fully away that the other man was his boyfriend and it was actually okay to be staring at him. But he was never a fan of doing so, or having the feeling being set on him. He hated the feeling of having someone watching him, even if it was a common feeling felt on the boy. But he didn’t feel like he should have anyone feel that way because of him. Or maybe that was his manners kicking in. The whole “it’s not polite to stare, Jas” lectures he’d get showing what they had done. But those eyes found their way back to his boyfriend as soon as he heard the words fall from the other’s lips. A smile fell over his lips again at the words. That soft glint falling into those caramel orbs. And yeah, Jaspar was actually happy; he would never lie about that. After all, for Jaspar, this was more or less his little perfection. He just hoped that they could have been like this more. Outside of the glaring walls and staring eyes. Away from that buildings walls and from everything else there. All he wanted was just to be “free” with Jager. Announce his love for the boy and just having him close at all possible times. Maybe then you would never see that smile fall from his lips. Maybe, just maybe. A small blush fell onto his cheeks again at the feeling of their legs touching. And yeah, it was nothing, and no one could see them. But we may have to keep in mind that this was his first boyfriend, and his first appearance anywhere with him. Even if no one really knew them, knew that they were together. Not unless you focused on them fully. It wasn’t that he was ashamed of being with the other. Oh, no, he just didn’t want the judgment, the disappointment, and the insults that could come from them being together. Sure, it wasn’t a thing he heard of too often, but it still would be something he feared. Though he wouldn’t let that affect his relationship with Jager. He wouldn’t let anything get in the way of the fact he was in love with the older male. Or that he thought he was in love with him. Part of him wanted to be, wanted to have that lifelong tie with the other male. If that’s what the other wanted at least. If the other decided that he wanted something new, that Jaspar actually wasn’t the one for him, then he could live with that. Even if the thought broke his heart just a bit more than it actually should have at this point. But he wasn’t going to focus on any of that. Not when that gorgeous voice was flooding into his ears and the contact they had was keeping him focused on the boy more than anything. So, he watched his boyfriend through those black frames, listened to the words he had to say. And maybe, just maybe, they surprised him more than they actually should have. His eyes studied the boy for a moment before he parted his lips. No words had actually formed out on his tongue yet at the point. That mind was his mind was still processing what he words. It wasn’t until a moment later that he allowed for a smile to sneak back onto his lips. And yes, maybe they could actually work. Though, he didn’t say anything more a moment as he continued to look at the other, making sure his words were honest. “ Is th-that really what y-you want?” he asked, quieter than normal. And maybe it was a bit obvious that there was a spell of nerves kicking in through his system. No, he didn’t want to get his hopes up. There was still time in there that the male could have to change his mind. Still time for the other could decide that Jaspar really wasn’t worth all of this. And as heartbroken as he would be, he could live with that. Maybe then he could die like that lonely old man he always thought he was going to be. “ I… I just… I d-don’t know,” he muttered out, looking down a bit as his teeth grabbed a hold of his lip again. Maybe by the end of the night, there would be a pretty little indent on that rosy flesh. A soft little reminder that hey, Jaspar really couldn’t help but be nervous with these situations and that he could possibly have the ability to ruin things. Maybe, he could just be over thinking once again. He blinked at the male’s question, zoning back into reality and out of his worried thoughts.” Uh,” he started, eyes taking the time to actually look at the menu instead of just staring down at it as he mentally kicked himself. “ Y-yeah, I think s-so.” No, he really didn’t. But he picked out whatever the first thing his eyes saw that actually appealed to him. Food was really the last thing on his mind. But hey, that was okay. He wasn’t going to ruin things by deciding that he didn’t want to eat. Though, if much food did get into that stomach of his, there probably would be a line coming out and he’d be rushing into the bathroom. But he didn’t want to have the other worry about him. He didn’t need for his old habits to return. He really didn’t want them to. All he really wanted was to be normal, as normal as he could become. He didn’t want to backfire on his treatment. Even if his bulimia wasn’t exactly on his list of things to be treated for. It was just that he had made good progress with that, and he didn’t want to fall back into his “old” self. Honestly, Jaspar was liking the person he was forming into while he was with Jager. Even if he still had all those old thoughts and there wasn’t too much of an outside change. On the inside, he did feel better than he had previous, when he had when he he had first arrived here. And really, the only person he had to thank for that was Jager. TAG jager ozwell. STATUS finished. WORDS 2,096. OUTFIT add glasses to this basically.CREDIT banner edit and design: mary jane, lyrics: cobra starship. NOTES i won, with a few minutes to spare. i think i'm good, yes? yes. okay. yeah. i think i might like this post. i'm not sure yet. and i'm shutting up now.
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Post by jager thane ozwell on Sept 20, 2009 20:38:32 GMT -5
• He helped people. That’s what his job was basically defined as. When someone came to him with a problem, they talked about it and settled it over and then he set to work into finding out how to make them better. Watching someone walk away from the institution cured or at least in control of their problems was far more important than the monthly salary he had coming in every Friday. Jager liked being the reason to put smiles on other people’s faces. As long as he was able to make them better and not worse by any term, he was going to keep doing his job because it was something he enjoyed doing. When Jaspar had come along, not only had he brought in a larger amount of cash that he was paid, he also brought along a strong attraction that Jager knew was very wrong on many levels. He wasn’t allowed to have that kind of relationship with Jaspar or any of his patients. He was supposed to help them and get them better so they could go and live normal every day lives so they weren’t saw as ‘different’ because of something they couldn’t control or something they needed help controlling. There was medications for just about everything these days, but who wanted to be addicted or dependent on some prescription to get them through the day? He sure as hell didn’t, even if he did actually have to take medication for his constant headaches from the one too many bombs he’d been exposed to. Really, it was a miracle that Jager was still alive after what all he’d gone through. He had expected himself to die while he was serving his country or at least get injured bad enough to the point where they were going to have to bring him home to kill him there. Either way, he hadn’t been looking for a way to life once he had joined the army. But now, here he was in this nice little town of his, taking care of people he didn’t even know like good friends. But he was doing it because he knew what it was like to feel like no one got you. He knew what it was like to feel like you were completely alone in a crowded room. Though Jager never compared himself to any one of his cases that he worked with; for he knew that everyone was different and saw things differently, but he did use his own case as an advantage sometimes.
Maybe Jaspar had been a little to easy to understand at first, but that connection had always been there. He could remember the first time their lips had ever crashed; the feelings that had been sent through his body that night because of the way their skin felt against one another. He had waited though; knowing that going that far would ruin all the chances of this really being the something more that he was wishing it could be. They were dating now, as a matter of fact. But he couldn’t help but think about what things would be like he had slept with Jaspar the first chance he had gotten it. He was pretty sure the other wouldn’t trust him or that he wouldn’t have his job at all. Jager could understand it if he wasn’t wanted around here anymore. If he couldn’t control himself around one pretty face, how was he expected to compose himself around more that just one? He knew this wasn’t just some pretty boy case attraction though. Even if he had met Jaspar outside the institution, he was positive that they would still of met and had some sort of attraction toward each other. This love wasn’t just some one time thing. Jager had never felt this way and he hoped that Jaspar was feeling the same way he was. He would feel horrible if what he had just asked would be turned down in any sort of way. After all, he’d given it a lot of thought. Jaspar was part of his life now and Jager wanted it to stay that way. No matter how much he knew that this relationship shouldn’t work; that it should be destroyed just like all the many other failed attempts he’d had, he wanted this one to work. Because somewhere deep down inside of Jager, he really was ready to settle down and have a family of his own. Of course he understood that Jaspar couldn’t give him the children he wanted, but that was always the good reason to adopt. There were so many children that wanted to have some place to call there own instead of having to share it with plenty other housemates in some crowded orphanage. There was one thing he was sure of and that was that he wanted a life with Jaspar. That’s really all he was concerned about here. Because when it was time for the younger boy to leave and go back to his home, what was Jager to do? He couldn’t except his love to just vanish just like Jaspar would, could he?
So, he waited in anticipation for Jaspar answer. He wanted to make a home with the other male. He wanted it to be ‘them’ or ‘us’ forever, how ever long that was. Jager just wanted to keep this happiness to himself and not give the chance to anyone else to share that happiness with Jaspar. This was his relationship with the boy and he wasn’t about to chance it and have something screw up. So maybe he was being straight forward and he was practically asking for a life together with Jaspar when ever it was time for him to leave the asylum, but that was what he wanted. Seeing that uneasy smile on Jaspar’s face, he gave the boy’s hand a gentle squeeze to reassure him. Swallowing, Jager leaned forward more over the table with his elbow to hold his chin up. Finally, he connected their eyes again and smiled soft toward his boyfriend. “I want you. And we both know that when you get better there’s no reason for you to stay here when you have so much waiting for you at home. But if I want to be with you, I’m willing to find another job closer to Chicago so I can be with you.” He paused, letting the words sink in before the silence started to become uncomfortable. “I mean, if that’s what you want too. This is about you too, you know.” His teeth took a hold of his lip, briefly mimicking the look that was currently on Jaspar’s face. He wanted this to be thought over. In the end, he didn’t want to be the one waving off Jaspar’s absence like he was just some other patient. Because no matter how much he would have to do, Jager wouldn’t be able to pretend that nothing ever happened. They say you truly only fall in love once. Well, he was at the point where he was in love and he wasn’t ready to even think about trying to get over how going without that love would feel. He wanted Jaspar and he wanted a life with the boy, but there was nothing he could do if that wasn’t what Jaspar wanted. Jager understood he wasn’t perfect. But was there really anything as such? Everyone had flaws. He just hoped that his flaws weren’t too much for Jaspar to handle. Now he was the one on the end of the self conscious end of things. Watching as the boy looked down and stuttered out his very complicated answer, Jager felt his heart drop to his stomach from the way the things were turning.
This wasn’t supposed to be an uncomfortable topic for them. It was supposed to be something that was a good thing. But it couldn’t really be positive if there were any doubts as to how this relationship was going to work out. Dropping his eyes down, he watched the waitress write down their orders, taking in the way her eyes were running over his boyfriend’s adorable face. Seeing this reminded him of just how easily things were never really protected or safe as the way you wanted them to be. One little thing could easily change a whole case of events. Jaspar never really was just his. He was just something close enough to being everything that Jager wanted and hoped for that he had gotten his hopes up that this really was something special or believeable enough to be the good kind of boyfriend you wanted to bring home to your parents. He didn’t want to be something you needed to be ashamed of because he didn’t know how to treat someone’s parents with respect. He did know all of those things. He just never got a chance to show that he did. He wanted that chance, but he wanted it with Jaspar. So maybe he was being stubborn in the way that he wasn’t going to budge on this, but he wasn’t going to push Jaspar into saying yes to it either. It’d kill him to have to put on his best poker face when it was time for Jaspar to leave and just wave him goodbye like they were never something so much more than just a patient and a therapist. Love wasn’t supposed to be wasted like that. Jager didn’t want to have to say goodbye, ever. He wanted this to be their life and he wanted this to be them being happy, but he couldn’t exactly do that if he was the only one that wanted that. So, he swallowed and slow drew his hand away from the comfortable hold of Jaspar’s as he watched their food near the table. He couldn’t exactly eat with just one hand, no matter how talented he seemed to be sometimes. But, he’d push his negative thoughts to the side and let himself enjoy this evening like it would be any other of his few shared moments with Jaspar.
The street lights didn’t make the snow flakes half as beautiful was the moonlight did. The way the looming color left a soft after glow of blue light on the pristine blanket covering the ground made the walk home that more peaceful. Jager’s thoughts were still tangled with what he’d offered at the restaurant. He needed this. He needed the solitude of their relationship to help him get through those hard days. He needed it even when the days were simple. He just needed Jaspar. Tonight he’d make it clear just how much he really needed the other.
Once they were at his door, he pulled the key from his pocket and unloved the heavy oak door. The lights were all off except for the kitchen light on the far side of the foyer. Tugging off his jacket, he set it over the back of the couch and quickly leaned over to flick on the living room lights. The leather of the couch felt smooth under his hand as he had set his coat down. Now, turned to Jaspar as he kicked his shoes off, a smile was brightly presented on his lips. But this smile was different. It was calm; collected and most of all, just plain loving. The boy stepped around his boyfriend, letting his warm hands slide over Jaspar’s shoulders to easily tug off his jacket to place it aside with his own. His hands dropped the material only to lift against to following his arms around Jaspar’s tiny waist. This; what they were doing now was all he wanted for them. His fingers casually slid under Jaspar’s shirt, followed by his hands to press into the thin front of his stomach with his finger tips rubbing soft patterns into the skin once again. Closing his eyes, Jager rested his chin on the other’s shoulder. His nose was softly skimming over his jaw line as he took the time to breathe in his lover’s hearty scent that was clinging to the skin. Jager turned his face more, pressing soft, chaste kisses into the curve of Jaspar’s throat. Pulling the boy tighter against his front, he let his hands settle against the warm surface of his stomach. His breathing combined with Jaspar’s was about those only noise in the whole front of the house. He sucked in a breath, convincing himself that it was time for them to expand; or at least time for him to get something out there. His lips lifted to skin over the half hidden curve of Jaspar’s ear. “I love you,” His voice was low, hinting at the quiet Spanish accent some words still seemed to draw out of his voice box. He buried his face back into Jaspar’s sharp shoulder, kissing his shoulder blade with a sort of secret way of saying ‘I hope you love me, too.’ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - STATUS finished. WORDS 2,163 words. COMMENTS poor jager. CREDITS image from cobra-starship.org, cropping and text banner to lex. form to lex also. you steal, you get eaten. MUSIC the phase that pays - the academy is... TAGS jaspar murphy.
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Post by jaspar geoffrey murphy on Sept 21, 2009 12:31:27 GMT -5
REJECTION WASN’T ANYTHING THAT JASPAR WAS strangers with. The boy had always been prone to it. Whether it be being picked last in gym class, or getting the line of “oh, sorry, I’ve already made plans.” Whether it be a girl politely saying that she didn’t want to go out with him or new faces making him feel invisible and like he was just another face in the crowd. Sure, he’d get heartbroken, depressed, sad, whatever, over the situation. Over time, it just left him feeling exactly the same like he had been before. Well, okay, that would be a bit of a lie. There would still be that small amount of disappoint flooding in his system. But hey, that was nothing. Just water under the bridge, right? After all, he wasn’t much. Just another boy taking up space in the word until the day his heart stopped beating and his lungs collapsed. When that would be, he didn’t know. But he didn’t plan on changing nature’s course for him. Yeah, there were self-esteem issues going on in that head and he always felt like he wasn’t good enough for anything. But that didn’t mean that he was going to run out and kill himself because there was nothing for him. No, he was going to find out what it was that he was put on this planet for. Other than the “when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much” story. At fifteen, he found that he was meant to be a father to a beautiful little girl. Sixteen, he was apparently supposed to be crazy. Yeah, he could probably have lived without that one. But until a few months ago, that was all he was. If you ignore the other roles of brother, son, friend, best friend, and student. Those were all things people went through all the time. Most of them at least. They were all the basics, the things we work off of. He wanted to be more than that. He wanted a bigger role in his society. What that would have been? Well, he really couldn’t tell you. All the boy ever wanted was acceptance from the people around him. He just wanted to be that one good guy everyone could count on. Apparently, when you suffer from hallucinations and delusions that desire doesn’t work out too well. Being referred to as that “crazy kid” didn’t leave you as the good guy. Not with his mind running on about people out to get him, the ones he loved. No, that didn’t really work out too well. But it was okay. Jaspar was used to that rejection. What the nineteen year old wasn’t used to was being on the opposite end of that stick. Yeah, okay, he wasn’t rejecting Jager. Honestly, the boy didn’t think he could have done such a thing. Not with whatever this feeling was floating around inside of him was. But seeing that crushed look on the other’s face, even if he did attempt to hide it, caused his own heart to sink. Jaspar still never wanted to be the bad guy, the one who broke other people’s hearts. There was too much of a sensitivity in him to do that. Breaking someone’s heart broke his just as much. But maybe all of that was because of the person in front of him now. No, he couldn’t deny the feelings he had for the other. Or the fact the other made him feel the best he had felt in a long, long time. He actually felt wanted, needed. Jager didn’t make him feel like he was just another face in the crowd. For once, he felt like he was actually someone. And all of that was thanks to Jager. The boy could go on about how he actually listened to him, but that was the male’s job. He made a living from listening to people and helping them out. The younger boy was going to force that naivety out once again and think that Jager actually cared about him a bit more than others. Though maybe that was actually the truth. It had been so long since he had had any feelings like these, maybe just a bit too long; it could have been possible that he wasn’t sure what to believe and what to take as imaginary. Hearing the first words fall from Jager’s lip, he couldn’t help that full smile form on his lips. Even if it was only a small one. His eyes fell on his boyfriend again, studying that gorgeous face of his. The candles gave it a soft glow as the lights reflected off the skin . Maybe Jager could get cliché enough to say that it made him look like an angel, but he didn’t think he wanted to go that far. Besides, he knew better. No matter what the other said, or what he looked like, he knew that the other had that little devilish streak in him. He wasn’t an angel. Maybe an impersonation of one, and that might have been good for Jaspar. Besides, for now, he was almost the patient’s savior. Yeah, he knew it had been more than the other boy that was curing him. There were the daily medications he had to take, some of which he had to take more than once a day. Honestly, he hated taking them. He had to force them down his throat in order for them to be in his system. But he wasn’t going to be like the others, a few others at least, and pretend that he was taking them. No, he actually wanted to get better. He didn’t want to be like the way he used to be. He just wanted some sanity to be held in his life. He didn’t want all the hallucinations, the delusions, the anything that came along with his mental illness. And sure, he had been thinking about what it would be like to stay with Jager, even after is stay here was done. He would have liked to stay with Jager, as long as he could. And the other was right. There really wasn’t anything here for him. Only the man he was falling for. (If he could be honest, that scared him a little bit.) But he still didn’t want to other to move away from his current stay. Leave everything he had built here. Maybe part of it made Jaspar feel like he was being a bit selfish. Those lighter brown eyes stared at the older male for a moment, lips still parted, as he tried to work the words together. “ I-I would l-like that,” he stuttered out, quietly. The lightly stained teeth latched onto his reddening lip. Who knew that one male could bring out so many nerves in a short time. The boy wasn’t lying though. He would like for Jager to live with him. No, like might be an understatement. He would have loved for Jager to live with him. To be able to wake up to the face so close to his every day, to come home from wherever and be greeted by the boy and vice versa, would probably be the highlights of his day. Even now, he looked forward to those hour long therapy sessions just to be able to be able to see the boy and to be close with him. They couldn’t have that anywhere else. Not until the therapist would break the rules and sneak into his room for a little extra time together. But since the beginning of it all, he had wanted more than that. He wanted to be able to walk around, hand-in-hand, with the other without any consequences. “ I r-really would,” he managed to get out a bit later, after thinking about the words he would say. It was bad enough he already had a stutter, he didn’t need for unprocessed sentences to make it worse. He really, really didn’t. “ I just… you have a l-lot here, d-don’t you? I w-wouldn’t want y-you to lose th-that all because of me,” he half whispered that last part. His eyes continued to study the other male, ignoring most of those around him. So no, he didn’t notice the waitress looking at him. Though, he would never admit that anyone would look at him with any sort of attraction. There was always the large amount of shock flooding into his system when he found that out though. Like he had when he found out that Jager had been attracted to him. It probably took him about a week to get over that shock. After all, he was nothing special. He was just a regular old boy who just happened to land up here and under Jager’s care. More or less. But he wasn’t going to complain about it. Not at all. For now, and hopefully forever, Jager was the only one he would want. That girl inside of him wanted this to be “the one.” He wanted his eyes to see Jager and only Jager the way he saw him now. The older man meant so much to him, and he wanted the other to know that. But he could never find the words to explain it. Part of him hoped that most of that was because of the small little fact that when it came to words, Jaspar wasn’t that good with them. Maybe there really was a stronger thing inside of him that couldn’t be explained. Like whatever this feeling he was having was, there was a small part of him that wanted it to be beyond words, beyond descriptions. Or maybe he had just seen one too many chick flicks, or spent a little too much time with his sisters. But that’s really how he felt. He wanted there to be something indescribable and just there. He want there to be classifications to this, didn’t want words to put them in any state for judgment. All he wanted there to be was “Jager and Jaspar.” Maybe even get to the point where they’d be classified as a whole. Though, he could have just been getting ahead of himself. There was no telling what the future could hold. So, for now, he was just going to focus on the time he was spending with the boy while he had it. There would be no worries floating inside of this head, or any second guesses going on. He didn’t want Jager to give up on this relationship because he was “too difficult” or some other nonsense of that. The words Karen had said to him still hit into his mind whenever the thought about a breakup between them. And no, he really could not deal with that. Part of the boy was proud of himself as the dinner had ended. He hadn’t really ruined things all that much. Or if he did, Jager still wanted to be there right with him. He didn’t want to send him back to his empty room yet. That was enough for him to be proud of himself. That and he hadn’t made any trips to the bathroom afterward either. Though that might have been because of the fact he really hadn’t eaten much of his meal. It had been enough for him to have a content stomach, and to not make himself look like he was wasting any of it. But nowadays, the boy didn’t really have much hunger in him. Sometimes it did make him sick just looking at it, but he was trying. He was trying so hard to be healthy once again. He was trying to get over all of his problems. And so far, it was working. For the most part. Those thoughts were still there inside of that mind of his, but that was okay. He kind of didn’t expect those things to go away in a few months, or at all. But when he was with Jager, it felt like it was okay for him to be so flawed. That it was okay for him to just be him. And that might have been what he liked the most about being with the other. There was nothing he could not do that would push the other away from him. Or… he hoped so at least. Losing the other could probably be the worst thing for him. He’d probably lose whatever care he had to get better, whatever need he had to a normal state. The patient would probably fall back into a little slump, another fallen state where he was just going to eventually get worse instead of getting better. His teeth attached onto his lip again as they walked back to his boyfriend’s house. And yeah, he could still feel the nerves settling in once again. Those little butterflies floating into his stomach. But he knew that there was nothing to worry about. After all, it wasn’t like he was meeting someone important in the family. It was just a home, just like he used to live in. But it was his boyfriend’s. Yeah, that could make the difference. A little bit of it at least. This was the first time though, and there was probably really nothing to worry about at all. This was just the way Jaspar was though. He always worried about things that he shouldn’t, or didn’t have to. He was just a bit more paranoid then he should have. Stepping through the front doorway, he was a bit hesitant. Just a little bit nervous. Those teeth dug deeper into his lip as he allowed himself to look around the now lit room, taking in the decorations and little things around the room. That was until he felt the other’s hands falling around him, pulling of that jacket of his. His arms obeyed and helped get the material off as he toed his own shoes off. The nineteen year old allowed his body to fall back against the older boy as those arms were slipped around him. And yeah, a small smile fell onto his lips as he reeled out those little clips of what it would have been like to come home to this every day. Yeah, he could definitely live that way. The slightly cold touch of the other’s skin on his stomach caused him to suck it in a bit, letting out a small gasp. But it was all okay. All of this was. He just wanted the other to be this close always. It might have been possible that he would give up anything to feel the small shivers and butterflies flooding through his system due to Jager’s touch. Yes. This was all okay. Better than okay, actually. Jaspar would definitely go as far as to say that this was perfect. ‘Cause really, it was. His body leaned against his boyfriend’s, resting it as close to the other as he could. Those small shivers falling through his body as he felt the heated breath falling from Jager’s nose as he felt the object run on his jaw. This caused his head to tilt a bit, moving to the side just a little bit. And then again once he felt those lips touch over his skin. And yes, he could stay like this forever. Be here in the silence of Jager’s home with them so, so close. Though, whatever thoughts were running through that little mind of his fell short as he heard those three little words. Now, a small gasp fell from his lips. And yes, he truly was shocked. But there was still that small smile on his lips once he recovered from it all. Yes, this was all that he wanted. This boy, the closeness, the touches. There could have been nothing more he could ask for that would make him think that this wasn’t good for him. This was that one thing that he would have killed for. Well, not literally kill, but close enough to use that expression. He had once thought he had found his perfect place, but he had been prove wrong that day he was told Karen had been pregnant. After that he had found out it was just a lie his mind had created on him again. His heart was still broken over it, but that’s what happens after your first love. You never really get over it. But it was slowly healing now. All thanks to this one boy he met by chance. Maybe he could be naïve enough to think that this was all meant to be. And yes, he will believe that. This time, he just hoped that his heart wouldn’t end up broken again. One of his hands lifted up, tracing over Jager’s arm to the hand resting under his shit. His fingers lightly traced over the other’s hand before he took the hand into his own, lacing their fingers under the thin fabric of his shirt. His head fell back, resting against the other before it turned just a bit, facing the other just a bit more. “ I-I love you, too,” he said, softly, carefully. He didn’t want his stutter to ruin it. Even if it did slip just a little bit. But at least it was understandable. Not the completely stuttered mess like he had thought I would have been, or what he pictured himself in his head. No, it was better than that. There was the heavy storm of those butterflies flying around in his stomach, under that lace where their hands were held together. He gave the other’s hand a light squeeze, holding it like that for a few seconds before his thumb started to run over the skin lightly. Yes, this was a good place for him. This was all he wanted, and maybe even needed. Even if they did have their flaws and they weren’t exactly who they thought they would be paired up with. None of that really mattered. This was that perfectly good, almost too perfect moment. And Jaspar loved it. TAG jager ozwell. STATUS finished. WORDS 3,012. OUTFIT add glasses to this basically.CREDIT banner edit and design: mary jane, lyrics: cobra starship. NOTES this post is obnoxious. and my longest to date. and um, yeah. i think we've overly discussed the our love for them so. and what the fuck at that extremely long paragraph in the middle there.
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Post by jager thane ozwell on Sept 21, 2009 22:44:23 GMT -5
• Rejection was never well dealt with. But then again, who actually enjoyed being denied of something they had requested for? True feelings were never to be toyed with. It wasn’t that rejection itself was what caused the hurt, but the let down of the hope you could of carelessly let rise at basking in the idea of having what you wanted. But let’s not forget that most of the time things we asked for were either denied or ignored. It was just the way that this society in time worked. A majority of people weren’t going to change because there was normally only a few dozen in a crowd of hundreds that were willing to go against the norm and work for a new behavior in the world’s best idea of how people should act. Who said we had to act our age? We do, actually. But those few handful of people that would rather protest and say you were your own character would say something different. Maybe Jager was one of those people, but when it came to the genre of rejection, he was just another chapter in some old book you didn’t care to pick up because the cover wasn’t pretty enough. But he would rather be ignored than have to feel the wound of being stabbed in the chest by a forced feeling of discomfort. He hated never being able to fully understand why anything was the way it was. People were so unpredictable, even for someone that knew how to study a person and know their general personality within five minutes. It wasn’t a profession; it was more of a talent. Reading others had been something he was always good with. He loved being the center of attention and he liked it when he could surround himself with good people and know that he was liked by each and every one of them. But Jager did not accept the feeling of being unaccepted for what he had offered or for what he was feeling. It was never a comfortable feeling to be put out of place and into the hot seat because you weren’t socially accepted. But this was Jaspar. If anyone, he would of expected a different reaction from the boy. But he was possibly getting ahead of what he was thinking and what was really happening. No matter how much Jager wanted to live in a fantasy world where there was no hurt and no disappointment, it just wasn’t going to happen. But he could accept that. He knew what pain was like and he didn’t enjoy feeling it. In general, he was the kind of guy that wanted what was best for everyone.
He wasn’t exactly hurt from what Jaspar had said. It was just a sort of shock for him. Jager hadn’t expected to be hit so hard by some simple answer that wasn’t even really a rejection. It was just hinting that Jaspar was unsure of the idea. Jager could deal with that, or at least he should be able to. This wasn’t a fantasy world. He had to remind himself of that. They were going to run into conflictions and complications. That’s what relationships were half about. Just because things got hard sometimes didn’t mean he was going to give up, though. The love he had spread for the younger boy was too good to give up. Jaspar had hit home hard. Never had he told himself before that it was okay to fall for someone. Because falling for someone meant that he was getting weak and a soldier was never supposed to be weak. But Jaspar had brought out Jager’s softer side. Of course he was always easy on his patients but that didn’t mean he couldn’t be strict when he needed to. He remembered seeing plenty of privates getting their head’s clocked a few times if they ever stepped out of line and disrespected a higher ranking. Needless to say, he never went out of his way to be a pain in the ass. He had his opinion on things but did that mean he spoke them freely? No, it didn’t. He normally kept himself, if not all the time. Jager wasn’t going to risk getting a broken bone from someone on his side. Over there, this was a completely different world. But there was so many different kinds of pains that he wasn’t exactly sure how to conserve them all. This wasn’t his first experience with rejection, but it was by far the worst. Jager was the master at hiding emotion, but it was obviously different with Jaspar. Of course it was. Everything was different with the younger boy. He should of know n better than to try and hide anything. Jager just didn’t want to hint at his hurt. It was no big deal. Nothing that he couldn’t deal with on his own. So it was a little bruise to his stability in his self confidence. So what? Maybe it was about time he got knocked down off of his high horse. The problem was, he was never there to being with. Jager could be cocky and he could be hard to handle but he never stepped out of line to be disrespectful or hurt someone on purpose. He wasn’t the kind of guy that enjoyed hurting other people’s feelings. He wanted everyone to feel okay and for all the world’s pain to just be erased. Yeah, and maybe people would stop blaming each other for terrible occurrences and the world would end hunger. More or less, it was just about impossible for the things he wanted to come true. He knew it wasn’t good to be so negative about himself or what he was currently experiencing in life, but at least he was honest.
Jaspar wasn’t supposed to feel like he needed to fix this. Sure, it involved him and he knew that it was a big deal and all, but he really didn’t want to push the topic any farther if it made the boy uncomfortable. He just wanted their relationship to remain stable so he wouldn’t have to worry about a broken heart or breaking hearts any time in the future. He didn’t know all of the reasons why Jaspar was here; of course he understood the medical reasons but they hadn’t really expanded too much on the whole family ordeal. Maybe him asking if he could come back to him to Chicago was just too much. He didn’t want to seem selfish, but in a way it was kind of like letting him know that this relationship was going no where. That hurt a little (more like a lot). But the scary thing was that he was so damn addicted to what they had that he knew he’d stick to the relationship because he wanted as much of time with Jaspar as he was allowed to have. When that time came for the boy to go home, he’d let him go. Not because he didn’t love him anymore, but because Jager knew it was the right thing to do. Now that he thought about it, he should of thought of how it would affect Jaspar’s whole family instead of just them. It was rude of him to just drop in and not expect for their to be some sort of conflict. He should of thought this through more; made sure there weren’t any flaws in his plan. Just as he was about to open his mouth to word an apology, he heard the uneasy rush of Jaspar’s voice. The words hit his ears, sort of bouncing back off. No, this didn’t need to be fixed if it was all meant to be broken. But let’s not lie. Jager couldn’t be a negative person for more than five minutes. So, he lifted those chocolate eyes toward Jaspar’s face and made sure that he held true to what he was saying. This wasn’t going to be forced and damn it, it wouldn’t happen at all if Jager thought for one moment that this was just happening because Jaspar didn’t want to hurt his feelings. It wasn’t about feelings… Okay it sort of was but still. He didn’t want their relationship and the future of their relationship to be based on some stupid offer for them to stay forever close. Long distance relationships just didn’t work. Jager hated to think about it that way, but he knew it was either he move to Chicago or this relationship ended when Jaspar’s attendance to this facility was over. Really, Jager had to pretend it didn’t make his heart sort of throb at that thought. It scared him, to be ho nest. Never had he depended on someone so much for something so difficult as going through every day life. But that’s what Jaspar did to him. He brought out the side of Jager that allowed him to be comfortable with who he was and be able to give Jaspar what he requested in both their connection and what he needed to get better.
Somehow, those teeth still managed to latch onto his lip before he shifted in his seat; sitting up straighter and looking at Jaspar with a more concentrated expression. His teeth took to chewing at the inside of his cheek, watching the other from across the flicker of soft flames over center of the dinner table. Finally, a smile broke back against his lips and allowed that small burst of ease to show on his façade. Jager turned his dark eyes down to their diverse hands. His thumb gently stroked over the skin, moving it back and forth to feel the way their textures contrasted and attracted. Jager was quiet for a moment, letting the silence settle between them before his eyes lifted to catch those lighter ones. Still, he didn’t say anything. He let his thoughts come up with the best answer possible. This was going to work; he wanted it to at least. “The only way I would be losing anything would be if I let you go and I stayed here.” Offering a slightly reassuring smile, he straightened his body again. So maybe putting himself out there wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be. He knew this wasn’t even close to being the end of the conflicts they were going to have to deal with but that was okay because he wanted this relationship. He wanted Jaspar. It didn’t have to be named. Just as long as it was them together in some shape or form, he would be happy. It didn’t need a name for others to be able to define them. They didn’t need a name. They made up one and that was all that mattered.
The comforts of his own home still didn’t cure the slight nervousness he felt rising in his stomach at the knowing of bringing Jaspar home. To his home, that was. Normally, Jager would be alone on the nights he chose to stay away from the hospital. Those nights were rare and he found it terribly hard to sleep even when he was in the warm comforting hold of his own sheets and his own pillow. Maybe tonight would be a little different now that he had someone to sleep to. Even in the institution, he still seemed to sleep better when he was next to Jaspar. He didn’t want to seem too cheesy, but it was if he needed the other for himself to truly feel comfortable. There was a way that the other’s breathing posed as a silent kind of lullaby. Jager loved music, but the way they didn’t have to have one note played for there to be a melody was the biggest fascination to him. He loved how they were able to connect without having to say a word. It was just another way of saying how much he was falling for the boy he was with now. So, he supported Jaspar’s weight against his chest and took to feeling, really feeling what it felt like to have the other’s fingertips running over his oh so sensitive skin. Jager released a quiet breath, taking in the way that they seemed to just melt together. He loved it. Every bit of what they were doing was perfect. No matter how much Jager hated to use that word, it was the only thing he could think of that came close to how he was feeling right then. His eyes fell closed and he breathed in that scent that seemed to lock with the other’s skin. It was such a settling smell; something he’d always feel comforted when ever he got to track that soft wave of air that would bring it to his memory. And those words. Those beautiful, melodic and soft words. They were robbed from his stutter, well almost at least. Jager couldn’t hold back the smile at the return of that very phrase he had just used moments ago. He was in love. Whatever love was. They didn’t need to try and figure it all. All he knew what that he loved Jaspar and nothing was going to change that. As long as he had what he needed beside him, Jager would know nothing but happiness. It was waking up to hearing that every morning and falling asleep to it every night. That’s what love was. It didn’t have to be perfect, for it was valued for the flaws that it beheld. It was beautiful and disastrous all at once. It was chaos and peace. All opposites attached and came together to form just one neutral balance that was easy to follow.
Slowly, Jager’s warm fingers fled from the hold that Jaspar had woven them in. A soft, but very content sight left his mouth as he slipped his arms down and easily hoisted the weight up into his arms to bring Jaspar’s frail body tightly against his chest. Jager leaned down, catching those plush lips in an eager kiss. But he had to settle for pulling away in order to see where he was going. For having living here for almost a year now, you would think he had the house pretty much down. But he spent too much time at work to really have a focus on what he was doing or what he was walking around. So, he half focused on that and put the rest into keeping Jaspar stable in his grasp. Once he reached his bedroom, he kneed the door open and swaggered into the darkness of the room. He was convinced then that even blind, he’d still be in love with the other that he was currently holding in his arms. He wanted to handle his boyfriend with care, showing just how much he really did feel for him. Settling the younger boy against the bed, Jager was sure to wait for Jaspar to get comfortable before he slid over his thin body. The instant he felt the heat of their skin tangling and their bodies pressing tightly together, he forced his eyes closed and for the noise to be quieted by pushing his lips to Jaspar’s jaw in a rush. It came out in a quiet groan while he lowered himself to his elbows to hold his body over the other in a hovering movement. He knew Jaspar was small. Jager wasn’t up for taking the chances of crushing him. Those metal chains broke free from their hold behind his shirt. The cold of the metal dropped to Jaspar’s chest while the older male’s mouth traced a damp line up to those tasteful lips. He pressed in against the boy tighter, dragging them farther up the bed while he started to shed himself of at least his shirt. Somehow, in the mixture of tossing his shirt to the floor and inching his body farther up Jaspar’s, his hands managed to run up the other’s sides and landed in his hair. His fingers were careful not to pull too hard as they tangled around the copper strands. Really, he wasn’t sure where it was heading. All he knew as that he wanted to be close to Jaspar and not have to worry about someone finding them or them being interrupted by something ‘important’. No. this was still going to be there night and if he wanted it to, it would be their day too. But, as any other regular person, Jager had to force himself back to breath. While he sucked in a ragged breath, he pressed their foreheads together apprehensively. It wasn’t until now that he had noticed just how nicely their bodies fit together. He loved feeling Jaspar below him, or at least against him. Either way, it was the best thing he’d come across in a long time. Not caring if he was still gasping for oxygen, he leaned back down to tangle their lips again. Though this time he managed to drag that lower lip into his mouth; sucking on the soft skin before releasing it along with Jaspar’s mouth entirely. On their way up to the boy’s hair, his hands had managed to edge Jaspar’s shirt up over his body some. Their skin touching had Jager’s body catching on the sparks of heat that were rushing through his blood system.
But this wasn’t just another time together. This was them expanding on their relationship outside of those too sanity craving white walls. This was home and that was what mattered. A lazy smile dropped over his lips while his body slowly lifted so he could easily straddle those boney hips. Still, Jager still loved all the angles that Jaspar’s body offered. Letting his teeth fight with his kiss swollen lower lip, he freed a hand to gently push a lock of bangs from those hazel eyes. “I don’t want to do anything you don’t want to,” he breathed, shifting over his boyfriend’s small frame. He wanted this to be special. That was the one thing he was going to try his hardest to achieve. “But I love you, and I always what you and me to be exactly that. You and me. Jager and Jaspar. Not anyone else.” Leaning his body back down, he pressed their mouths together in a much less heated kiss; something sweeter. Drawing away again, he spoke with his voice falling to a quieter tone. “I’m addicted to you. I don’t care how many people tell me it’s the wrong kind of addiction. I don’t want to stop. I never want to quit you.” The corner’s of Jaspar’s lips lifted into a soft smile. Those lips found their way to that perfectly matching pair again, asking for a little more love and a lot less fear of being what they really were. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - STATUS finished. WORDS 3,140 words. COMMENTS this post sucked. sorry. CREDITS image from cobra-starship.org, cropping and text banner to lex. form to lex also. you steal, you get eaten. MUSIC the phase that pays - the academy is... TAGS jaspar murphy.
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